Examination of past lovers (and other men)

Examining my last relationships:

Frenchi - Long distance.  Two months short of 1 year.  Man's man.  Works with his hands, blue collar job.  Sexy (as heck).   In touch emotionally (seemed to be).  Declared love for me before I did.  Always seemed preoccupied when away.  Not a snazzy dresser.  Didn't spend money on me.  He ended it...kind of sort of. Weird ending.

Italian -  Nearby.  Two months.  Very attentive.  Said the nicest things about me.  Snazzy dresser. Educated.  White collar  job.  Spent money on me.   Started talking about setting us up for a threesome and I was outta there.  ( I had less than a week from our relationship to Frenchi).

Newly separated guy - Long distance.  Four months.  Attentive at first and then got weird.  He dressed hip.  Blue collar job, but made a ton of money as a business owner.  Did not spend money on me.  I broke it off with him because he was too flighty emotionally.  (About a month after I met Italian).

Here's where my memory goes funny.    I know there was Alpha Asshole ( I was into him - he dumped me and then he tried to get back with me several months later saying the woman he met was super hot, but I was more fun).  I said thanks but no thanks.     There was Coma guy I liked who ended up in a coma for several months and then tried to date me again and that was a no go because his brain injury was significant, not to mention the colostomy and pins in his hip.  There was the Sweet Beta Guy who is really the best for me, but his declaration of love after five innocuous dates and my lack of physical attraction  for him made me end it.  The Doctor who I dated for five months and desperately wanted to fall in love with (because he was a Doctor I'll admit) and the Engineer who was crazy about me  and yet seemed weirdly fascinated with his secretary.  And there were a few more scattered in there I'm just not recalling them right now.    Of all those, only one ended it with me.  The Alpha Asshole. Well and Frenchi.  Two attractive, sexy men who happen to have options.

I am datable.  I don't say that because I'm trying to make myself feel better.  I am.  I could have a date every night if I wanted, and I have from time to time.  Exhausting.  I have not met someone who I am turned on to, who 'gets' me.  Who hasn't wanted to take advantage of an overly patient, very nice girl.  I need to realize the alpha man is beyond my reach, he doesn't want to 'settle' for a sweet chick, he wants a sexy girl who'll make him smile and then who he leaves when he feels the demands are too high.  "Next", he thinks.  I know that intellectually, but my brain in some recess of it keeps finding the need to 'try', because I have the belief I'm that special.  Some of you believe I'm just masochistic.  I'm not, I believe I'm 'the one' type.  I believe in my heart that when a man samples me, he'll want no other.  And I find those, and reject them.  I want the guy who has never settled down, who's been through many and is not easily satisfied.  I want a challenge.  I have distorted thinking.  I know it.

Can my thinking errors be changed?  I believe so.  I need to promise myself that I'll take a minimum of 1 month to be single.  1 month to retrain my brain into thinking more realistically and practically.  I have yet to come up with what the retraining looks like, so perhaps I need two months off...

I'm disappointed I haven't found a life partner.  I know Frenchi wasn't the guy, I've known it for awhile.  It doesn't make me any less sad.  Kind of sucks big time.  But...I will survive, I always do.  Life is good that way, this too shall pass.  My sister is doing amazing, my business is currently booming and my friendship with my bff seems improved.  Life could be a whole lot worse.  The cup really is half full.

Examination of past lovers (and other men)

Examining my last relationships:

Frenchi - Long distance.  Two months short of 1 year.  Man's man.  Works with his hands, blue collar job.  Sexy (as heck).   In touch emotionally (seemed to be).  Declared love for me before I did.  Always seemed preoccupied when away.  Not a snazzy dresser.  Didn't spend money on me.  He ended it...kind of sort of. Weird ending.

Italian -  Nearby.  Two months.  Very attentive.  Said the nicest things about me.  Snazzy dresser. Educated.  White collar  job.  Spent money on me.   Started talking about setting us up for a threesome and I was outta there.  ( I had less than a week from our relationship to Frenchi).

Newly separated guy - Long distance.  Four months.  Attentive at first and then got weird.  He dressed hip.  Blue collar job, but made a ton of money as a business owner.  Did not spend money on me.  I broke it off with him because he was too flighty emotionally.  (About a month after I met Italian).

Here's where my memory goes funny.    I know there was Alpha Asshole ( I was into him - he dumped me and then he tried to get back with me several months later saying the woman he met was super hot, but I was more fun).  I said thanks but no thanks.     There was Coma guy I liked who ended up in a coma for several months and then tried to date me again and that was a no go because his brain injury was significant, not to mention the colostomy and pins in his hip.  There was the Sweet Beta Guy who is really the best for me, but his declaration of love after five innocuous dates and my lack of physical attraction  for him made me end it.  The Doctor who I dated for five months and desperately wanted to fall in love with (because he was a Doctor I'll admit) and the Engineer who was crazy about me  and yet seemed weirdly fascinated with his secretary.  And there were a few more scattered in there I'm just not recalling them right now.    Of all those, only one ended it with me.  The Alpha Asshole. Well and Frenchi.  Two attractive, sexy men who happen to have options.

I am datable.  I don't say that because I'm trying to make myself feel better.  I am.  I could have a date every night if I wanted, and I have from time to time.  Exhausting.  I have not met someone who I am turned on to, who 'gets' me.  Who hasn't wanted to take advantage of an overly patient, very nice girl.  I need to realize the alpha man is beyond my reach, he doesn't want to 'settle' for a sweet chick, he wants a sexy girl who'll make him smile and then who he leaves when he feels the demands are too high.  "Next", he thinks.  I know that intellectually, but my brain in some recess of it keeps finding the need to 'try', because I have the belief I'm that special.  Some of you believe I'm just masochistic.  I'm not, I believe I'm 'the one' type.  I believe in my heart that when a man samples me, he'll want no other.  And I find those, and reject them.  I want the guy who has never settled down, who's been through many and is not easily satisfied.  I want a challenge.  I have distorted thinking.  I know it.

Can my thinking errors be changed?  I believe so.  I need to promise myself that I'll take a minimum of 1 month to be single.  1 month to retrain my brain into thinking more realistically and practically.  I have yet to come up with what the retraining looks like, so perhaps I need two months off...

I'm disappointed I haven't found a life partner.  I know Frenchi wasn't the guy, I've known it for awhile.  It doesn't make me any less sad.  Kind of sucks big time.  But...I will survive, I always do.  Life is good that way, this too shall pass.  My sister is doing amazing, my business is currently booming and my friendship with my bff seems improved.  Life could be a whole lot worse.  The cup really is half full.

Duh duh duh or "duh" some of you will say.

The relationship is over.  

Nothing dramatic.  It ended in text conversation.  Which is not how I pictured it would go down.  

I finally called him out on behaviour.  Friday night he said he'd call and I waited up.  Again - this wasn't the first time it had happened.  He had a shitty excuse i.e. phone was charging in his car.  And I said I was hurt. I said that his use of the word Love had meaning to me.  I said Love meant Action.  Action meant Caring.  And caring meant he called when he said he would or as I said he would have at the very least let me know not to wait up his phone needed a charge.   I told him I felt like my patience had worked against me.  


For context I need to tell you guys that a significant event had happened to me that day, a very good news day for me.  I had text him a couple times during the day to share the news and had not heard back in reply.  At 8:30 PM I'd said "um".  He answered right away and said he was out for dinner with a guy and would call me when he got home. At 10:15 PM I text and asked if he'd gone to bed because normally he does at 9:30 PM.  He text back and said he was still out.  I replied "Wow that's late!".  And he said "Yes, babe".  I waited until 11:05 PM and then I went to bed.  I said in a text that I didn't understand how he couldn't spare five minutes for a phone call due to great news and said I was feeling hurt.    The next morning at 9:00 AM was a text from him saying, "gm, I charged the phone in my car sorry. How r u?".   And the rest I've written about above.  

I said I may be sweet (he calls me that), but I wasn't dumb.  He said he knew that.  I asked him two questions.  1. Am I wasting my time?  2. Did he love me and therefore wanted to care about me?

I haven't heard from him since yesterday at 9:30 am. 

Answer clear as a bell.

I'm shocked that he chose to take a low road out.  I really believed that at the least he'd offer me something like "it's not a good time for me right now...yada yada yada".  

I sure know how to pick em'.  


Post Script:
I should mention that I did contact him this morning. 


I text this:


Me: I always told you if you're not interested let me know.  I did not pull my love (like that other gf).  I expressed hurt and genuine concern about us.  You not contacting me is like you pulled yours.  I won't contact you again. I am respecting your choice.  I'm confused and sad that this is where it's at.


*The reason I write about the other girl friend is he broke off his last relationship after she told him she no longer loved him.  He said that once someone pulls that out he's done.  She was apparently trying to win back his affection and tried that to get a response.  Because when he left, she followed him a couple days later to his work site, where he told me he refused to see her.   I wanted to make it clear I'm not that chick.  I didn't pull the "I don't love you", I called him on his unloving behaviour.  He is fulfilling my beliefs about his feelings for me.  It would be humiliating to prostrate myself at his feet.  At the same time, I'm not going to let him see anger ( a secondary emotion), I want him to know I'm hurting and confused.  Legit.  Do I think he cares? No.  Do I feel better because I closed it for myself by sending the text? Yes.  I'm no longer waiting for him to contact me, and I will not longer contact him.  There is some relief to be honest.  I'm disappointed I don't have a future partner (right now), but I think he was either a player or just not that into me.  Despite his words,  he just couldn't back it up with action.  I let words take me much longer which I think was complicated by the fact he lived away.  No MORE long distance for me!

Duh duh duh or "duh" some of you will say.

The relationship is over.  

Nothing dramatic.  It ended in text conversation.  Which is not how I pictured it would go down.  

I finally called him out on behaviour.  Friday night he said he'd call and I waited up.  Again - this wasn't the first time it had happened.  He had a shitty excuse i.e. phone was charging in his car.  And I said I was hurt. I said that his use of the word Love had meaning to me.  I said Love meant Action.  Action meant Caring.  And caring meant he called when he said he would or as I said he would have at the very least let me know not to wait up his phone needed a charge.   I told him I felt like my patience had worked against me.  


For context I need to tell you guys that a significant event had happened to me that day, a very good news day for me.  I had text him a couple times during the day to share the news and had not heard back in reply.  At 8:30 PM I'd said "um".  He answered right away and said he was out for dinner with a guy and would call me when he got home. At 10:15 PM I text and asked if he'd gone to bed because normally he does at 9:30 PM.  He text back and said he was still out.  I replied "Wow that's late!".  And he said "Yes, babe".  I waited until 11:05 PM and then I went to bed.  I said in a text that I didn't understand how he couldn't spare five minutes for a phone call due to great news and said I was feeling hurt.    The next morning at 9:00 AM was a text from him saying, "gm, I charged the phone in my car sorry. How r u?".   And the rest I've written about above.  

I said I may be sweet (he calls me that), but I wasn't dumb.  He said he knew that.  I asked him two questions.  1. Am I wasting my time?  2. Did he love me and therefore wanted to care about me?

I haven't heard from him since yesterday at 9:30 am. 

Answer clear as a bell.

I'm shocked that he chose to take a low road out.  I really believed that at the least he'd offer me something like "it's not a good time for me right now...yada yada yada".  

I sure know how to pick em'.  


Post Script:
I should mention that I did contact him this morning. 


I text this:


Me: I always told you if you're not interested let me know.  I did not pull my love (like that other gf).  I expressed hurt and genuine concern about us.  You not contacting me is like you pulled yours.  I won't contact you again. I am respecting your choice.  I'm confused and sad that this is where it's at.


*The reason I write about the other girl friend is he broke off his last relationship after she told him she no longer loved him.  He said that once someone pulls that out he's done.  She was apparently trying to win back his affection and tried that to get a response.  Because when he left, she followed him a couple days later to his work site, where he told me he refused to see her.   I wanted to make it clear I'm not that chick.  I didn't pull the "I don't love you", I called him on his unloving behaviour.  He is fulfilling my beliefs about his feelings for me.  It would be humiliating to prostrate myself at his feet.  At the same time, I'm not going to let him see anger ( a secondary emotion), I want him to know I'm hurting and confused.  Legit.  Do I think he cares? No.  Do I feel better because I closed it for myself by sending the text? Yes.  I'm no longer waiting for him to contact me, and I will not longer contact him.  There is some relief to be honest.  I'm disappointed I don't have a future partner (right now), but I think he was either a player or just not that into me.  Despite his words,  he just couldn't back it up with action.  I let words take me much longer which I think was complicated by the fact he lived away.  No MORE long distance for me!

Slowing Down and a Return to Emotional Equilibrium

I'm in a better space than yesterday, which is great considering my emotional state was pretty low.  I think it was the crash after a period of heightened anxiety.  Even though the outcome was fantastic, and continues to be, my feelings had to go somewhere.

Frenchi was in town for 12 hours!  Which sounds worse than it was.  We talked and I feel good, and really that's what counts.   I asked him if we will ever spend more time together and he assures me we will.  I have a timeline in my head, which I haven't shared with him because it would sound too much like an ultimatum and that's simply not my style.  He saw and heard my real disappointment and didn't run, it would have been a great time to say "it's just not working out.", and he didn't take it. He says I'm extremely nice and sweet and I think when he says it on some level doubts its veracity.  We both need more time to see who we are in the long haul - will it happen is the question.  I feel like I have choices and that's a good way to feel.  I feel like life has slowed down to an acceptable pace and I'm going to enjoy every second today, you just never know what tomorrow brings.

Slowing Down and a Return to Emotional Equilibrium

I'm in a better space than yesterday, which is great considering my emotional state was pretty low.  I think it was the crash after a period of heightened anxiety.  Even though the outcome was fantastic, and continues to be, my feelings had to go somewhere.

Frenchi was in town for 12 hours!  Which sounds worse than it was.  We talked and I feel good, and really that's what counts.   I asked him if we will ever spend more time together and he assures me we will.  I have a timeline in my head, which I haven't shared with him because it would sound too much like an ultimatum and that's simply not my style.  He saw and heard my real disappointment and didn't run, it would have been a great time to say "it's just not working out.", and he didn't take it. He says I'm extremely nice and sweet and I think when he says it on some level doubts its veracity.  We both need more time to see who we are in the long haul - will it happen is the question.  I feel like I have choices and that's a good way to feel.  I feel like life has slowed down to an acceptable pace and I'm going to enjoy every second today, you just never know what tomorrow brings.

Flowers

an aoefe picture

I was able to talk with frenchi today.  A conversation I told him I found difficult mostly because I want to be pleasing and not rock the boat.  I was able to tell him what we had felt very casual and more fuck buddy than lovers.  He listened well.  He told me it wasn't casual to him.  I told him I felt disconnected and had patiently waited for an eventual move and felt unsure about what would happen next.   He listened and said he wanted me to know that he's burnt out at work, but he loves me and wants an us.

Later that afternoon, out of the blue he asked me to buy my loved one flowers from him.  I did and delivered them.  I told him that frenchi wanted them to have a bright spot in their home.  My family member said perhaps you could have used the bright spot.  I said believe me this was, and smiled.  He stepped up to the plate and I appreciate it very much.

Flowers

an aoefe picture

I was able to talk with frenchi today.  A conversation I told him I found difficult mostly because I want to be pleasing and not rock the boat.  I was able to tell him what we had felt very casual and more fuck buddy than lovers.  He listened well.  He told me it wasn't casual to him.  I told him I felt disconnected and had patiently waited for an eventual move and felt unsure about what would happen next.   He listened and said he wanted me to know that he's burnt out at work, but he loves me and wants an us.

Later that afternoon, out of the blue he asked me to buy my loved one flowers from him.  I did and delivered them.  I told him that frenchi wanted them to have a bright spot in their home.  My family member said perhaps you could have used the bright spot.  I said believe me this was, and smiled.  He stepped up to the plate and I appreciate it very much.

Dysfunctions of a Team

I love to read business books.  My experience as an executive allows me to see myself and/or my organization when I read them.  I happened to hit a used bookstore when I was visiting Frenchi last week and snapped up a few.  Reading inspires me.  I very rarely make it more than a chapter when I put down the book and start focusing on some aspect or another of my business.  I'm working to achieve my project management certification but every time I pick up the text book it leads me off in a direction for my own business plan.

This week I'm reading The E Myth Revisited, by Michael E. Gerber and The FIVE Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lenicioni.  Both have been great for moving me forward.  The E Myth has me seriously building my own enterprise like a franchise.  Operations manuals, strat plans, even a dress code are all in the works.  I actually envision it as a franchise and want to set this up at the earliest stages to accommodate for growth.  The Dysfunctions book speaks to me on a deeper level.  It's painful in some ways because in my last role as CEO I failed to build a great team.  I had two fantastic members but out of my team of seven that's a low number.  To be fair to myself I had lack of support from the owner in regards to building my team - my efforts to budget a retreat were turned down as an example.  The failure of the team and the response by the owner led me to the decision to be my own owner.  in reading the book I can see where we failed and where we could have succeeded.  Some of the members were weighing us down in critical ways and I should have 'moved' them along.  The lack of a replacement kept me from doing so, but in the end it was a huge detriment.

I can't help apply the principals of the book to my personal life.  My guy and I are functioning poorly, when you look at the bottom of the book's model which is Absence of Trust it highlights the criticalness of our current state.  I don't trust what's going on.  At. All.    What I haven't done is enter into conflict with him.  I haven't recognized the benefits of honest, vulnerable communication.  In order to be healthy this is where it starts.  I have to stop being afraid of showing my real vulnerability.  I'm so damn afraid of being hurt by him/others that I pretend that I'm super cool, independent chick with a laissez faire attitude and truth is I'm super sensitive.

Last night he failed to phone me or text me. Again.

This time I slept through the night.  I've been pulling back emotionally and distancing myself.  Which feels healthy, but isn't really.  I keep saying this will end naturally, he won't work here, the relationship will end.  What have I learned from it?  Nothing.  I've shown I can be drama free, but what has it gained me?  Again, nothing.

He text this am:

Him: Gm :) got my phone, he charged me $40, not bad! Left work at 10 last night, today n tomorrow will b same! Can't work inside starting monday.  How r u?

Me: (I waited a minute...trying to figure out what to say).  Working right now.  It is busy.  Getting together with (insert sick family member) today.  They want to see me.  I'm buried in work which helps me cope.

Him: I c, good for u! How is (insert sick family member)?

Good for me?  Ummmm...i said i'm working to cope, that's not a rah rah comment.  Anywhoo I respond.

Me: Lots of roller coaster feelings.  (insert sick family member) are remarkable.

Me: It's a struggle for all of us.  Lots of family things.  You are out of the loop, contact between us is terrible.  Let's be honest.  :)

Me: Text is hard to relay feelings. Etc. Phone contact is sporadic and short.  What do you think you and I need?

Me: Besides sex.  Lol.  :)

A couple minutes pass.

Him: Time together...I miss "us"

Me: I do too

Him: Can I call u at noon?

Me: Yes please

Him: I will xxx

Me: xxx


I don't have soaring hopes about the two of us, but I do have hopes for me.  I have got to learn that conflict is healthy for moving things forward.  To have healthy conflict I have to enter into building trust with him and with myself.  He may not earn it, he may not be capable of being trustworthy.  He may be.  I just know that we are on the ground floor.

Dysfunctions of a Team

I love to read business books.  My experience as an executive allows me to see myself and/or my organization when I read them.  I happened to hit a used bookstore when I was visiting Frenchi last week and snapped up a few.  Reading inspires me.  I very rarely make it more than a chapter when I put down the book and start focusing on some aspect or another of my business.  I'm working to achieve my project management certification but every time I pick up the text book it leads me off in a direction for my own business plan.

This week I'm reading The E Myth Revisited, by Michael E. Gerber and The FIVE Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lenicioni.  Both have been great for moving me forward.  The E Myth has me seriously building my own enterprise like a franchise.  Operations manuals, strat plans, even a dress code are all in the works.  I actually envision it as a franchise and want to set this up at the earliest stages to accommodate for growth.  The Dysfunctions book speaks to me on a deeper level.  It's painful in some ways because in my last role as CEO I failed to build a great team.  I had two fantastic members but out of my team of seven that's a low number.  To be fair to myself I had lack of support from the owner in regards to building my team - my efforts to budget a retreat were turned down as an example.  The failure of the team and the response by the owner led me to the decision to be my own owner.  in reading the book I can see where we failed and where we could have succeeded.  Some of the members were weighing us down in critical ways and I should have 'moved' them along.  The lack of a replacement kept me from doing so, but in the end it was a huge detriment.

I can't help apply the principals of the book to my personal life.  My guy and I are functioning poorly, when you look at the bottom of the book's model which is Absence of Trust it highlights the criticalness of our current state.  I don't trust what's going on.  At. All.    What I haven't done is enter into conflict with him.  I haven't recognized the benefits of honest, vulnerable communication.  In order to be healthy this is where it starts.  I have to stop being afraid of showing my real vulnerability.  I'm so damn afraid of being hurt by him/others that I pretend that I'm super cool, independent chick with a laissez faire attitude and truth is I'm super sensitive.

Last night he failed to phone me or text me. Again.

This time I slept through the night.  I've been pulling back emotionally and distancing myself.  Which feels healthy, but isn't really.  I keep saying this will end naturally, he won't work here, the relationship will end.  What have I learned from it?  Nothing.  I've shown I can be drama free, but what has it gained me?  Again, nothing.

He text this am:

Him: Gm :) got my phone, he charged me $40, not bad! Left work at 10 last night, today n tomorrow will b same! Can't work inside starting monday.  How r u?

Me: (I waited a minute...trying to figure out what to say).  Working right now.  It is busy.  Getting together with (insert sick family member) today.  They want to see me.  I'm buried in work which helps me cope.

Him: I c, good for u! How is (insert sick family member)?

Good for me?  Ummmm...i said i'm working to cope, that's not a rah rah comment.  Anywhoo I respond.

Me: Lots of roller coaster feelings.  (insert sick family member) are remarkable.

Me: It's a struggle for all of us.  Lots of family things.  You are out of the loop, contact between us is terrible.  Let's be honest.  :)

Me: Text is hard to relay feelings. Etc. Phone contact is sporadic and short.  What do you think you and I need?

Me: Besides sex.  Lol.  :)

A couple minutes pass.

Him: Time together...I miss "us"

Me: I do too

Him: Can I call u at noon?

Me: Yes please

Him: I will xxx

Me: xxx


I don't have soaring hopes about the two of us, but I do have hopes for me.  I have got to learn that conflict is healthy for moving things forward.  To have healthy conflict I have to enter into building trust with him and with myself.  He may not earn it, he may not be capable of being trustworthy.  He may be.  I just know that we are on the ground floor.

Sexual Gatekeepers versus Soulkeepers

My ex-ltr called me to see how I'm doing in the midst of all my family troubles (very sick relative) and we commenced a conversation about relationships and sex.  Two things I loooooove to talk about.  He had some opinions on frenchi which weren't terrible but more along the lines if he's not giving you what you need then move on.  He was more interested however in talking about how easy it is for women to get laid and how he'd like to experience it for himself.  He feels I'm hot enough to span the demographic of ages and could have whoever I wanted in bed.  I find this funny because what he says is true in some respects, but not at all what women want.  He really wants to be a man in a woman's body and have sex.  I think he'd rather sex up women if that was the case, because otherwise he'd have to be penetrated by a dude.

Women do hold the cards in sexual engagement.  We are the gatekeepers.  I know that and yet feel no power in it.  Okay, maybe a little.  I know I could have sex with multiple partners every day of the week if I wanted to, even at the same time.  Men don't say no easily.  Men aren't as picky in who they'll bang either.  I work at being fit and keeping myself attractive which simply ups the quality of man, not the quantity.  Quantity is high for basically any woman if she so chooses.   A man's dream to have that much access to sex right?

Women are biologically wired not to desire that, which is where it gets confusing for men.  Even my ex-ltr was encouraging me to go out and do the nasty with more men, I think he was picturing living vicariously through my experience.   I find no joy in picturing myself with man after man simply living for the next sexual thrill.  don't identify with the PUA's on men's sites.  Sure there are women out there who will but my belief is they are looking for a man who will fall in love with her and they believe being sexually expressive will help.  If I've learned one thing at Roissy, men love sluts but they don't want to marry them.

I used to play an online game called Secondlife, it was a place I could express sexual fantasy outside of my bedroom.  I was quite the slut and had many men vying for my attention when I got online.  I can write dirty like nobody's business.  It was thrilling to be sought after in the virtual community.  I had a hot avatar and spent a little money in making her look realistic, but it was really what I said in my little chat box that had the men buzzing like bees.  I later learned that a lot of women avatars in Secondlife are actually men.  They knew they could get more by being a woman than by being a male, because even in virtual life women are choosy.  I found this out because men would ask me if I was a woman.  I thought that was a dumb question, not realizing the proliferation of males in the game itself.  I'm a bit nerdy so I was able to survive a bit of a steep learning curve where many women bow out.

Men and women have totally different power holds in the sexual marketplace.  Women to their bodies and men to their souls.  Both genders seem to want what they don't have.  Bottom line is we are responsible for what we want, need, desire and can't blame a gender when we don't get it.  Far too often we're unaware of what drives us, we confuse biological and emotional drives and we 'f' up because of it. Even now more aware of what drives the sexes I still am confused, it's a struggle for me to separate the two and only in crisis have I become more aware of my emotional side.  I damn well better learn something I tell myself...

Sexual Gatekeepers versus Soulkeepers

My ex-ltr called me to see how I'm doing in the midst of all my family troubles (very sick relative) and we commenced a conversation about relationships and sex.  Two things I loooooove to talk about.  He had some opinions on frenchi which weren't terrible but more along the lines if he's not giving you what you need then move on.  He was more interested however in talking about how easy it is for women to get laid and how he'd like to experience it for himself.  He feels I'm hot enough to span the demographic of ages and could have whoever I wanted in bed.  I find this funny because what he says is true in some respects, but not at all what women want.  He really wants to be a man in a woman's body and have sex.  I think he'd rather sex up women if that was the case, because otherwise he'd have to be penetrated by a dude.

Women do hold the cards in sexual engagement.  We are the gatekeepers.  I know that and yet feel no power in it.  Okay, maybe a little.  I know I could have sex with multiple partners every day of the week if I wanted to, even at the same time.  Men don't say no easily.  Men aren't as picky in who they'll bang either.  I work at being fit and keeping myself attractive which simply ups the quality of man, not the quantity.  Quantity is high for basically any woman if she so chooses.   A man's dream to have that much access to sex right?

Women are biologically wired not to desire that, which is where it gets confusing for men.  Even my ex-ltr was encouraging me to go out and do the nasty with more men, I think he was picturing living vicariously through my experience.   I find no joy in picturing myself with man after man simply living for the next sexual thrill.  don't identify with the PUA's on men's sites.  Sure there are women out there who will but my belief is they are looking for a man who will fall in love with her and they believe being sexually expressive will help.  If I've learned one thing at Roissy, men love sluts but they don't want to marry them.

I used to play an online game called Secondlife, it was a place I could express sexual fantasy outside of my bedroom.  I was quite the slut and had many men vying for my attention when I got online.  I can write dirty like nobody's business.  It was thrilling to be sought after in the virtual community.  I had a hot avatar and spent a little money in making her look realistic, but it was really what I said in my little chat box that had the men buzzing like bees.  I later learned that a lot of women avatars in Secondlife are actually men.  They knew they could get more by being a woman than by being a male, because even in virtual life women are choosy.  I found this out because men would ask me if I was a woman.  I thought that was a dumb question, not realizing the proliferation of males in the game itself.  I'm a bit nerdy so I was able to survive a bit of a steep learning curve where many women bow out.

Men and women have totally different power holds in the sexual marketplace.  Women to their bodies and men to their souls.  Both genders seem to want what they don't have.  Bottom line is we are responsible for what we want, need, desire and can't blame a gender when we don't get it.  Far too often we're unaware of what drives us, we confuse biological and emotional drives and we 'f' up because of it. Even now more aware of what drives the sexes I still am confused, it's a struggle for me to separate the two and only in crisis have I become more aware of my emotional side.  I damn well better learn something I tell myself...

The only constant is change.

Suddenly have two paying contracts.  I would have jumped for joy two weeks ago, and now it feels wrong to celebrate.  I'm thankful and I'm grateful but I can't get excited enough high five anyone.  Life is very funny.  The things you think are the most important dim when it comes to people.  Relationships are where true value lies.  I know it's cliche to talk about relationships at a time when I'm faced with a loss of a valuable one, but it doesn't make it any less true.

In light of this recognition I've realized that my love relationship is not doing well.  It was great. I thought.   It was great when there weren't any additional stressors.  Two days ago I asked him why he loves me and he said, "you're very sweet, sensitive and apply no pressure."  The third one is what I believe is creating a huge gulf between us.  I have not asked for anything but reassurance that we're doing okay.  He has provided that in words but has not been able to translate that into action.  Out of the last four nights I have talked to him once.  One night he said he fell asleep during a movie and woke up too late to call, one night he claimed his phone wasn't working and last night I have no idea, I still haven't heard from him.  

I left a voice mail on his phone at 2:39 am last night.  It was a five minute call (don't you love phone records).  I wasn't able to fall asleep.  He had said I could call him anytime, night or day and talk to him because of what I was experiencing.  I took him up on it.  I don't have any regrets about the call.  I was thoughtful in my message, a ranter I am not.   I talked about our recent disconnect or rather my perception of it.  I talked about my need to feel special and why I concentrated on making him feel that way.  I didn't accuse, beg, or ask for anything other than connection.  I told him I'd noticed a change in the relationship since he'd gone away, that I'd been very happy with us and that something subtle had shifted and I wondered what it was.  I reminded him that I'd asked for patience because of the terrible time I'm going through. I pointed out I'd had an enormous amount of patience for our situation for months and perhaps had gone a bit overboard on that end.  All in all, like I said I don't regret the call.  I was rather glad it was voice mail, it allowed me to say things clearly and without interruption.  I didn't cry, but I'm sure at a couple points my vulnerability was evident.  I said I debated calling but decided that love doesn't play games and I needed to be honest about how I was feeling.  I used every tool in my tool box of emotional health to be clear and concise about my feelings without accusing him of damaging me.  I told him that no matter what there would be no drama, that I had never played that way.  In the end I simply let him know he could call me if he liked.  

How or if he responds will be telling. I believe great things about him, I trusted what he said and my strongest hope is that will be born out.  My gut doesn't feel very good, it's not trusting what's happening and my head says something is clearly wrong.  I hope both are proved wrong but I'm no fool.  Which kind of sucks. His job ends at the end of the month and his plan was to move here, if not with me than in a place close to mine.  He hasn't mentioned any concrete plans since he returned from his trip.  My plan was to wait and see, not to make any rash decisions until the moment he said he'd taken a job somewhere else.  Then the proof would be in the pudding.  However, the lack of contact precipitated my middle of the night call and I've basically asked him to tell me what's going to happen next.

I love myself enough to recognize I'm a fantastic girlfriend.  I would like to date me!  Wait, does that make me narcissistic?  I'm flawed, but all in all very grounded, intelligent, attractive, sexy and positive.  What's not to like?  The fact I've found it very difficult to meet a long term partner is very confusing to me.  My family believes I pick the guys who are difficult to get because I like the challenge.  That's probably true.  I think I want the victory of being successful where no woman has been before.  I think by being my wonderful self they'll feel they've finally found 'it' and I will feel like I've 'won'.  I really need to change this.  Yes. I . Do.  

Long story short - my life is a mess.  I have a lot of work to do.  I have a close family member fighting for their life and I have what seems to be imminent break-up with my man.  Good thing I live by this - "the only constant in life is change."  I maintain that life can be very difficult, but it can also be filled with great joy and I know that this too shall pass.  It's the way life works.  

The only constant is change.

Suddenly have two paying contracts.  I would have jumped for joy two weeks ago, and now it feels wrong to celebrate.  I'm thankful and I'm grateful but I can't get excited enough high five anyone.  Life is very funny.  The things you think are the most important dim when it comes to people.  Relationships are where true value lies.  I know it's cliche to talk about relationships at a time when I'm faced with a loss of a valuable one, but it doesn't make it any less true.

In light of this recognition I've realized that my love relationship is not doing well.  It was great. I thought.   It was great when there weren't any additional stressors.  Two days ago I asked him why he loves me and he said, "you're very sweet, sensitive and apply no pressure."  The third one is what I believe is creating a huge gulf between us.  I have not asked for anything but reassurance that we're doing okay.  He has provided that in words but has not been able to translate that into action.  Out of the last four nights I have talked to him once.  One night he said he fell asleep during a movie and woke up too late to call, one night he claimed his phone wasn't working and last night I have no idea, I still haven't heard from him.  

I left a voice mail on his phone at 2:39 am last night.  It was a five minute call (don't you love phone records).  I wasn't able to fall asleep.  He had said I could call him anytime, night or day and talk to him because of what I was experiencing.  I took him up on it.  I don't have any regrets about the call.  I was thoughtful in my message, a ranter I am not.   I talked about our recent disconnect or rather my perception of it.  I talked about my need to feel special and why I concentrated on making him feel that way.  I didn't accuse, beg, or ask for anything other than connection.  I told him I'd noticed a change in the relationship since he'd gone away, that I'd been very happy with us and that something subtle had shifted and I wondered what it was.  I reminded him that I'd asked for patience because of the terrible time I'm going through. I pointed out I'd had an enormous amount of patience for our situation for months and perhaps had gone a bit overboard on that end.  All in all, like I said I don't regret the call.  I was rather glad it was voice mail, it allowed me to say things clearly and without interruption.  I didn't cry, but I'm sure at a couple points my vulnerability was evident.  I said I debated calling but decided that love doesn't play games and I needed to be honest about how I was feeling.  I used every tool in my tool box of emotional health to be clear and concise about my feelings without accusing him of damaging me.  I told him that no matter what there would be no drama, that I had never played that way.  In the end I simply let him know he could call me if he liked.  

How or if he responds will be telling. I believe great things about him, I trusted what he said and my strongest hope is that will be born out.  My gut doesn't feel very good, it's not trusting what's happening and my head says something is clearly wrong.  I hope both are proved wrong but I'm no fool.  Which kind of sucks. His job ends at the end of the month and his plan was to move here, if not with me than in a place close to mine.  He hasn't mentioned any concrete plans since he returned from his trip.  My plan was to wait and see, not to make any rash decisions until the moment he said he'd taken a job somewhere else.  Then the proof would be in the pudding.  However, the lack of contact precipitated my middle of the night call and I've basically asked him to tell me what's going to happen next.

I love myself enough to recognize I'm a fantastic girlfriend.  I would like to date me!  Wait, does that make me narcissistic?  I'm flawed, but all in all very grounded, intelligent, attractive, sexy and positive.  What's not to like?  The fact I've found it very difficult to meet a long term partner is very confusing to me.  My family believes I pick the guys who are difficult to get because I like the challenge.  That's probably true.  I think I want the victory of being successful where no woman has been before.  I think by being my wonderful self they'll feel they've finally found 'it' and I will feel like I've 'won'.  I really need to change this.  Yes. I . Do.  

Long story short - my life is a mess.  I have a lot of work to do.  I have a close family member fighting for their life and I have what seems to be imminent break-up with my man.  Good thing I live by this - "the only constant in life is change."  I maintain that life can be very difficult, but it can also be filled with great joy and I know that this too shall pass.  It's the way life works.  

love and loss go hand in hand...they say

In the midst of all of my family devastation, I am going to break up with Frenchi.  It's too long to go into the details of why.   I am breaking up with him, because I'll beat him to the punch, in fact I think he'd rather I do it, and recent behaviours have led me here.   I also know I'm not overacting to things, it's been a lot of things over time that have my gut telling me what my head would rather not accept. I'm not sure if it's tonight, I wish I could.  Wish I could just pull off the damn bandaid.  I know it seems shocking considering what I've written and felt, but I have a lot on my plate with my very ill relative and spending energy to see what's wrong with us, feels wrong.

It's been almost a year, but a year of long distance doesn't fit into a month, so I want to be practical about the loss.  I'm terribly disappointed.  I'm also not that surprised.  He's a man with a past who sees more past in his future - if you get my drift.  I felt special enough for awhile to feel he was my future and thought he had finally found his. Blah, blah, blah...I hate mushy stuff.

So yea...

Later the same night Update:

After crying for a good half hour  on the phone about my family situation and not being able to breath through my nose I said:

Me: Are we going to make it?
Him: I think so.

The 'think so' was telling.  I wrapped it up saying I appreciated his proffered offer of support and that if its from his heart I'd take it.  I let him know that I deserved more than being a burden and not to use my recent circumstances to feel bad about moving in a new direction if that was where he wanted to go.   I said I needed to put a lot of energy into my family in coming weeks and it was probably good he was busy where he was.  I said I didn't want to be wasting energy on wondering if we were ok.  I basically left it in his court.  I gave him the freedom to move on if he chooses.  We shall see what he decides - I'm sure he has a lot of thinking to do.  My thinking has got to move away from him to my family, if he's there when the dust settles it will mean a lot.

Next morning update:
He text me telling me to call him.  Normally he calls me after first asking if I'm available.  I called.

Me: Demanding a call.  I like it.  (insert laugh)
Him: (laughs) I wanted you to call me.
Ensuing small talk about how my sleep was and his was and what I had planned for the day.  He said he would call on his coffee break.

Interesting development.  He'd been aloof, distant, this even after the devastating news I'd had.  Was it my simple statement allowing him his freedom if he chose it. I think so.  I think he though he had me lock, stock and barrel and my willingness to let go may have shown him that he had something to lose.  Anyone want to weigh in with their two cents?

love and loss go hand in hand...they say

In the midst of all of my family devastation, I am going to break up with Frenchi.  It's too long to go into the details of why.   I am breaking up with him, because I'll beat him to the punch, in fact I think he'd rather I do it, and recent behaviours have led me here.   I also know I'm not overacting to things, it's been a lot of things over time that have my gut telling me what my head would rather not accept. I'm not sure if it's tonight, I wish I could.  Wish I could just pull off the damn bandaid.  I know it seems shocking considering what I've written and felt, but I have a lot on my plate with my very ill relative and spending energy to see what's wrong with us, feels wrong.

It's been almost a year, but a year of long distance doesn't fit into a month, so I want to be practical about the loss.  I'm terribly disappointed.  I'm also not that surprised.  He's a man with a past who sees more past in his future - if you get my drift.  I felt special enough for awhile to feel he was my future and thought he had finally found his. Blah, blah, blah...I hate mushy stuff.

So yea...

Later the same night Update:

After crying for a good half hour  on the phone about my family situation and not being able to breath through my nose I said:

Me: Are we going to make it?
Him: I think so.

The 'think so' was telling.  I wrapped it up saying I appreciated his proffered offer of support and that if its from his heart I'd take it.  I let him know that I deserved more than being a burden and not to use my recent circumstances to feel bad about moving in a new direction if that was where he wanted to go.   I said I needed to put a lot of energy into my family in coming weeks and it was probably good he was busy where he was.  I said I didn't want to be wasting energy on wondering if we were ok.  I basically left it in his court.  I gave him the freedom to move on if he chooses.  We shall see what he decides - I'm sure he has a lot of thinking to do.  My thinking has got to move away from him to my family, if he's there when the dust settles it will mean a lot.

Next morning update:
He text me telling me to call him.  Normally he calls me after first asking if I'm available.  I called.

Me: Demanding a call.  I like it.  (insert laugh)
Him: (laughs) I wanted you to call me.
Ensuing small talk about how my sleep was and his was and what I had planned for the day.  He said he would call on his coffee break.

Interesting development.  He'd been aloof, distant, this even after the devastating news I'd had.  Was it my simple statement allowing him his freedom if he chose it. I think so.  I think he though he had me lock, stock and barrel and my willingness to let go may have shown him that he had something to lose.  Anyone want to weigh in with their two cents?

Dress like a real man

My man took me out to dinner.  It wasn't a fancy joint, a local watering hole with a contingent of locals scattered about.  I dressed in a pretty skirt and top and did my make-up and hair wanting him to be proud I was on his arm.  He wore a white t-shirt and a big ole' blog of red paint on the front of it, a pair of ripped jeans and slip on sandals (no socks).

I've dated some fancy men, doctors, pr guys and engineers.  They had very nice wardrobes and dressed their parts and I dressed mine.  I find it interesting the guy I've picked to be serious about could care a flying F@#k what he wears.  He likes how I dress, he says he's attracted to extraordinary women and quite honestly the way I dress is out of the ordinary for my geographic region.  I stand out because I like fashion and dress with a hint of Jackie-O modern style.  My facial features and angles make me look classy even in a pair of yoga pants and I play on them with clothes to fit the look.

So why do I love a man who looks like he fell out of bed?

I think it's his manliness.  He's not metrosexual, he really could care less about hair products, shoes or brand name jeans. He has a great body, broad shoulders and even he admits a beautiful head, so really no matter what he puts on he wears it well.  Add to that the walk of a man who's comfortable in his own skin and you have a guy who exudes manliness.  I also like the fact that he's not trying to figure out what he needs to wear to be with me, maybe that's the aloofness thing Roissy talks about?

He recently shaved his head quite close,  I think he looks like a navy seal and I told him that.  While out to dinner I teased him saying the red paint spot was from a bullet hole and he said his navy seal talent allowed him to seal it shut with the press of a well placed digit.  He's hot and I know it.  Yum.    

Dress like a real man

My man took me out to dinner.  It wasn't a fancy joint, a local watering hole with a contingent of locals scattered about.  I dressed in a pretty skirt and top and did my make-up and hair wanting him to be proud I was on his arm.  He wore a white t-shirt and a big ole' blog of red paint on the front of it, a pair of ripped jeans and slip on sandals (no socks).

I've dated some fancy men, doctors, pr guys and engineers.  They had very nice wardrobes and dressed their parts and I dressed mine.  I find it interesting the guy I've picked to be serious about could care a flying F@#k what he wears.  He likes how I dress, he says he's attracted to extraordinary women and quite honestly the way I dress is out of the ordinary for my geographic region.  I stand out because I like fashion and dress with a hint of Jackie-O modern style.  My facial features and angles make me look classy even in a pair of yoga pants and I play on them with clothes to fit the look.

So why do I love a man who looks like he fell out of bed?

I think it's his manliness.  He's not metrosexual, he really could care less about hair products, shoes or brand name jeans. He has a great body, broad shoulders and even he admits a beautiful head, so really no matter what he puts on he wears it well.  Add to that the walk of a man who's comfortable in his own skin and you have a guy who exudes manliness.  I also like the fact that he's not trying to figure out what he needs to wear to be with me, maybe that's the aloofness thing Roissy talks about?

He recently shaved his head quite close,  I think he looks like a navy seal and I told him that.  While out to dinner I teased him saying the red paint spot was from a bullet hole and he said his navy seal talent allowed him to seal it shut with the press of a well placed digit.  He's hot and I know it.  Yum.    

Reading, Writing and Not Arithmetic !

Have arrived and it was as great as I hoped seeing him.  All nervousness left the building (of my head) once we kissed.  I went for a three hour walk and workout today and feel very relaxed as a result.  He's working during the day which gives me time to explore and work, although I'm somewhat heavier on the explore part.  Found a great used bookstore and plan to read, write and #$%# my way through the next few days.  Life is grand!

Path was taken during a hike today - so lovely. Sigh...

Reading, Writing and Not Arithmetic !

Have arrived and it was as great as I hoped seeing him.  All nervousness left the building (of my head) once we kissed.  I went for a three hour walk and workout today and feel very relaxed as a result.  He's working during the day which gives me time to explore and work, although I'm somewhat heavier on the explore part.  Found a great used bookstore and plan to read, write and #$%# my way through the next few days.  Life is grand!

Path was taken during a hike today - so lovely. Sigh...