Examining my last relationships:
Frenchi - Long distance. Two months short of 1 year. Man's man. Works with his hands, blue collar job. Sexy (as heck). In touch emotionally (seemed to be). Declared love for me before I did. Always seemed preoccupied when away. Not a snazzy dresser. Didn't spend money on me. He ended it...kind of sort of. Weird ending.
Italian - Nearby. Two months. Very attentive. Said the nicest things about me. Snazzy dresser. Educated. White collar job. Spent money on me. Started talking about setting us up for a threesome and I was outta there. ( I had less than a week from our relationship to Frenchi).
Newly separated guy - Long distance. Four months. Attentive at first and then got weird. He dressed hip. Blue collar job, but made a ton of money as a business owner. Did not spend money on me. I broke it off with him because he was too flighty emotionally. (About a month after I met Italian).
Here's where my memory goes funny. I know there was A
lpha Asshole ( I was into him - he dumped me and then he tried to get back with me several months later saying the woman he met was super hot, but I was more fun). I said thanks but no thanks. There was C
oma guy I liked who ended up in a coma for several months and then tried to date me again and that was a no go because his brain injury was significant, not to mention the colostomy and pins in his hip. There was the S
weet Beta Guy who is really the best for me, but his declaration of love after five innocuous dates and my lack of physical attraction for him made me end it.
The Doctor who I dated for five months and desperately wanted to fall in love with (because he was a Doctor I'll admit) and
the Engineer who was crazy about me and yet seemed weirdly fascinated with his secretary. And there were a few more scattered in there I'm just not recalling them right now. Of all those, only one ended it with me. The Alpha Asshole. Well and Frenchi. Two attractive, sexy men who happen to have options.
I am datable. I don't say that because I'm trying to make myself feel better. I am. I could have a date every night if I wanted, and I have from time to time. Exhausting. I have not met someone who I am turned on to, who 'gets' me. Who hasn't wanted to take advantage of an overly patient, very nice girl. I need to realize the alpha man is beyond my reach, he doesn't want to 'settle' for a sweet chick, he wants a sexy girl who'll make him smile and then who he leaves when he feels the demands are too high. "Next", he thinks. I know that intellectually, but my brain in some recess of it keeps finding the need to 'try', because I have the belief I'm that special. Some of you believe I'm just masochistic. I'm not, I believe I'm 'the one' type. I believe in my heart that when a man samples me, he'll want no other. And I find those, and reject them. I want the guy who has never settled down, who's been through many and is not easily satisfied. I want a challenge. I have distorted thinking. I know it.
Can my thinking errors be changed? I believe so. I need to promise myself that I'll take a minimum of 1 month to be single. 1 month to retrain my brain into thinking more realistically and practically. I have yet to come up with what the retraining looks like, so perhaps I need two months off...
I'm disappointed I haven't found a life partner. I know Frenchi wasn't the guy, I've known it for awhile. It doesn't make me any less sad. Kind of sucks big time. But...I will survive, I always do. Life is good that way, this too shall pass. My sister is doing amazing, my business is currently booming and my friendship with my bff seems improved. Life could be a whole lot worse. The cup really is half full.
