The only constant is change.

Suddenly have two paying contracts.  I would have jumped for joy two weeks ago, and now it feels wrong to celebrate.  I'm thankful and I'm grateful but I can't get excited enough high five anyone.  Life is very funny.  The things you think are the most important dim when it comes to people.  Relationships are where true value lies.  I know it's cliche to talk about relationships at a time when I'm faced with a loss of a valuable one, but it doesn't make it any less true.

In light of this recognition I've realized that my love relationship is not doing well.  It was great. I thought.   It was great when there weren't any additional stressors.  Two days ago I asked him why he loves me and he said, "you're very sweet, sensitive and apply no pressure."  The third one is what I believe is creating a huge gulf between us.  I have not asked for anything but reassurance that we're doing okay.  He has provided that in words but has not been able to translate that into action.  Out of the last four nights I have talked to him once.  One night he said he fell asleep during a movie and woke up too late to call, one night he claimed his phone wasn't working and last night I have no idea, I still haven't heard from him.  

I left a voice mail on his phone at 2:39 am last night.  It was a five minute call (don't you love phone records).  I wasn't able to fall asleep.  He had said I could call him anytime, night or day and talk to him because of what I was experiencing.  I took him up on it.  I don't have any regrets about the call.  I was thoughtful in my message, a ranter I am not.   I talked about our recent disconnect or rather my perception of it.  I talked about my need to feel special and why I concentrated on making him feel that way.  I didn't accuse, beg, or ask for anything other than connection.  I told him I'd noticed a change in the relationship since he'd gone away, that I'd been very happy with us and that something subtle had shifted and I wondered what it was.  I reminded him that I'd asked for patience because of the terrible time I'm going through. I pointed out I'd had an enormous amount of patience for our situation for months and perhaps had gone a bit overboard on that end.  All in all, like I said I don't regret the call.  I was rather glad it was voice mail, it allowed me to say things clearly and without interruption.  I didn't cry, but I'm sure at a couple points my vulnerability was evident.  I said I debated calling but decided that love doesn't play games and I needed to be honest about how I was feeling.  I used every tool in my tool box of emotional health to be clear and concise about my feelings without accusing him of damaging me.  I told him that no matter what there would be no drama, that I had never played that way.  In the end I simply let him know he could call me if he liked.  

How or if he responds will be telling. I believe great things about him, I trusted what he said and my strongest hope is that will be born out.  My gut doesn't feel very good, it's not trusting what's happening and my head says something is clearly wrong.  I hope both are proved wrong but I'm no fool.  Which kind of sucks. His job ends at the end of the month and his plan was to move here, if not with me than in a place close to mine.  He hasn't mentioned any concrete plans since he returned from his trip.  My plan was to wait and see, not to make any rash decisions until the moment he said he'd taken a job somewhere else.  Then the proof would be in the pudding.  However, the lack of contact precipitated my middle of the night call and I've basically asked him to tell me what's going to happen next.

I love myself enough to recognize I'm a fantastic girlfriend.  I would like to date me!  Wait, does that make me narcissistic?  I'm flawed, but all in all very grounded, intelligent, attractive, sexy and positive.  What's not to like?  The fact I've found it very difficult to meet a long term partner is very confusing to me.  My family believes I pick the guys who are difficult to get because I like the challenge.  That's probably true.  I think I want the victory of being successful where no woman has been before.  I think by being my wonderful self they'll feel they've finally found 'it' and I will feel like I've 'won'.  I really need to change this.  Yes. I . Do.  

Long story short - my life is a mess.  I have a lot of work to do.  I have a close family member fighting for their life and I have what seems to be imminent break-up with my man.  Good thing I live by this - "the only constant in life is change."  I maintain that life can be very difficult, but it can also be filled with great joy and I know that this too shall pass.  It's the way life works.