Just for laughs. The Republican candidate flow chart.

Sometimes you have to just laugh at the GOP circus as it rolls into town.

Of course later there will be those huge piles of elephant shit that somebody needs to shovel off of the streets, but for right now we can just enjoy the show.

Just in case you missed it, here is the ENTIRE Republican debate from earlier tonight. With a side order of tweets!

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I have to say that I actually had fun watching this.

I really like watching Republicans go for each others jugular.

I tweeted my fingers to the bone during this debate, so rather than write up a whole long post concerning my opinion about who won, who lost, and who said the stupidest thing, I will just let you read my highly informative, truly inspired, and potentially libelous tweets. (And remember, I MAY have been drinking during the debate.)

Perry is talking. I am pinching myself to remind me I am not having a nightmare about George W. Bush. 

Matthews should be happy. Romney is trying to kick Perry in the balls. He is missing, but he is trying. 

Okay Romney landed one. Does Perry believe he is responsible for the oil in the ground in Texas?

Wait is that Santorum? Here let me Google him to make sure. 

Herman Cain is going for the applause lines. Why do I crave deep dish pizza all of the sudden? 

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! It is "Crazy time with Bachmann!" I LOVE this show! 

Is she blaming the economy on "Obamacare?" Uh seriously?(Which by the way does not even start to kick in until 2013.)

Well who could possibly out crazy Bachmann? Mr. Paul, you are up. 

Oh Brian Williams is going to get some nasty e-mails tonight! How dare he confront the leprechaun of Libertarianism. 

Uh oh, I think Newt is working for the Perry campaign! 

Perry smells Romney blood in the water. "Did somebody say healthcare?" he drawls. 

Let's sum up Romney's defense. "MY healthcare plan good. Obama healthcare plan bad!" 

"Why are people uninsured in Texas?" Perry "Federal government." WTF? 

I think Bachamnn just said something smart. I am looking out of the window for locusts and fiery rain. 

Newt is attacking the moderators! Quick load up the tranquilizer guns! (Yelled at Brain Williams and that Politco guy to not attempt to make Republicans disagree with each other. I am not sure that Newt understands the concept of a "debate.")

The journalists are "protecting" Barack Obama? When did that happen? 

Santorum is speaking in the third person again. 

Holy crap! Rick Perry just looked through my television at me. Yeah, I don't like that! 

Romney will not say that Bachmann crazy. Pansy! 

Paul just kicked Perry in his "Hillarycare" supporting balls. 

Ron Paul just jumped the shark with his condemnation of Reagan policies in the eighties. I guess he was ALWAYS on that side of the shark. 

Yeah Rick Perry, why do you hate old people? (Called Social Security a "Ponzi scheme.")

Perry attacks Karl Rove? Ooh that is going to leave a mark! 

Romney found chink in the Perry armor. 

Oh NOW Perry does not want to fight. Yeah, that is how bullies ALWAYS respond. 

Herman Cain is talking about the Chile model. Why is that man always making me hungry? 

Funniest line thus far. Ron Paul saying "I as President." 

I think I have to agree with Perry about the HPV vaccine. I hate myself for it, but I do. 

Romney is supporting Perry on the HPV vaccine. Crap I hate it when they stop fighting! 

Why is Newt talking about WMDs again? Somebody get the man a calendar. 

Paul hates people affected by natural disasters. What did people do before FEMA? They died. 

Huntsman wants to talk about something important. And his tan is VERY Presidential. He wins points with me. 

Newt offers solution to education. "Get rid of public education!" So simple, why didn't anybody else think of that? 

Hey! How come the Hispanic moderator does not get a chair? 

Romney wants a border fence. That is just for YOU Teabaggers. Romney loves you, don't forget. 

Wow, Romney just went full Teabagger! 

Santorum punts the immigration issue concerning the illegals already in the country. 

Hispanics wants us to stop helping illegal aliens? "Screw you Uncle Jesus, get your green card!" (Bachmann claimed to have spoken to Hispanics who did not want Federal dollars spent on illegal immigrants in this country.)

Wow everything is so simple for Herman Cain. He is either a genius, or Herman Cain. 

Paul going after the drug laws. The stoner voting block is his for the asking. 

Ron Paul said that those border fences might keep us from vacationing in Peurto Vallarta. I KNEW those fences weren't for the Mexicans! (Ron Paul had said the border fences are to keep Americans in.)

Romney says he IS member of Tea Party. Baggers say "Nuh uh!" 

Bachmann is trying to channel Reagan. Nancy looks doubtful. 

Huntsman says no to pledges and immediately starts to lose his voice. Somewhere Grover Nordquist is choking a voodoo doll. 

Bachmann: "Obama is weakening our military." Yes because killing terrorists makes the rest of the world think we are push overs. 

Huntsman defends science? I thought he was a Republican? 

Perry grabbed the scientists by the scruff of the neck and throws them under his big ole Texas bus. Now that is a Republican!  (In response to Perry saying that the findings on climate science are not agreed to by most scientists.)


(I did correct a few spelling mistakes, but for the most part those are my tweets as tweeted in the heat of the moment.)

The GOP candidates weigh in on the fall of Qaddafi's regime in Libya. Great, they can admit they were wrong and finally give President Obama credit! Wait, what?

Now that the situation in Libya seems to have vindicated President Obama, the GOP Presidential hopefuls are left in the ticklish predicament of having to cheer the accomplishment of America's military, and NOT accidentally give Obama any of the credit.

Let's see how they did:

Rick Santorum: “Ridding the world of the likes of Gadhafi is a good thing, but this indecisive President had little to do with this triumph.” 

Mitt Romney: “The world is about to be rid of Muammar el-Qaddafi, the brutal tyrant who terrorized the Libyan people. It is my hope that Libya will now move toward a representative form of government that supports freedom, human rights, and the rule of law. As a first step, I call on this new government to arrest and extradite the mastermind behind the bombing of Pan Am 103, Abdelbaset Mohmed Ali al-Megrahi, so justice can finally be done.” 

Rick Perry: “The crumbling of Muammar Ghadafi’s reign, a violent, repressive dictatorship with a history of terrorism, is cause for cautious celebration. The lasting impact of events in Libya will depend on ensuring rebel factions form a unified, civil government that guarantees personal freedoms, and builds a new relationship with the West where we are allies instead of adversaries.” 

Michele Bachmann weighed in, also refusing to credit the administration or NATO: “I opposed U.S. military involvement in Libya and I am hopeful that our intervention there is about to end. I also hope the progress of events in Libya will ultimately lead to a government that honors the rule of law, respects the people of Libya and their yearning for freedom, and one that will be a good partner to the United States and the international community.” 

You know I was trying to think what exactly ALL of the GOP candidates had in common, and now I know what it is.  They are all assholes! 

Quotes courtesy of Think Progress.

New Hampshire Straw Poll puts things back into perspective.

Courtesy of Hampton-North Hampton Patch:

Ron Paul got a great birthday present Saturday, as the 76-year-old defeated 11 other Republicans in Saturday's New Hampshire Young Republicans Straw Poll. 

Paul, a congressman from Texas, won a commanding 45 percent of the vote and bested runner-up Mitt Romney by 35 percent despite not attending the event, which was held in New Castle and also included a lobster bake. 

There were 302 ballots cast Saturday, and the full vote results are as follows, in the order the candidates were listed on the ballot: 

Jon Huntsman - 3 percent ; 
Herman Cain - 5 percent; 
Rick Perry - 8 percent; 
Fred Karger - 0 percent ; 
Paul - 45 percent; 
Mitt Romney - 10 percent; 
Thaddeus McCotter - 8 percent; 
Rick Santorum - 3 percent; 
Michele Bachmann - 5 percent; 
Buddy Roemer - 3 percent; 
Gary Johnson - 6 percent; 
and Newt Gingrich - 1 percent.

It appears that as we go farther east, Dominionism does not have quite the same cachet as it did in Iowa.

As you can see Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum barely caused a ripple.

Of course as we well know NONE of these straw polls really mean a damn thing. However I think it is worth noting whose name received too few votes to even deserve mention in BOTH contests.

It seems like the whole country is pretty much over Snowdrift Snooki, with the exception of those poor souls trapped on that rocky outcropping in the middle of the Sea O'Pee.

T-Paw pulls the plug on campaign.

Courtesy of the AP:

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for the GOP presidential nomination on Sunday, hours after finishing a disappointing third in the Iowa straw poll. 

"I wish it would have been different, but obviously the pathway forward for me doesn't exist so we are going to end the campaign," Pawlenty said on ABC's "This Week" from Iowa. 

The low-key Midwesterner, who had struggled to gain traction in a state he had said he must win, had told supporters on a conference call shortly before the broadcast interview that he was ending his White House bid. 

"I thought I would have made a great president, but obviously that pathway isn't there," Pawlenty said. "I do believe we're going to have a very good candidate who is going to beat Barack Obama."

Those last remarks still indicate that Pawlenty is delusional, but apparently not delusional enough to stay in this race. Still I am surprised that of all the GOP wannabes in this contest that he is the first to recognize that his chances are non-existent.

After all third place was not bad at all in the "nobody gives two shits about you but the media" Ames Straw Poll. I mean the only two to beat him were Michele Bachmann (I believe purely based on her corndog eating skills by the way), and Ron Paul who seems to ALWAYS place high in the early polling of the most wingnutty members of the GOP right before the more sober minds realize he might actually become their candidate and yank him of stage with a giant hook.

Hell he beat the eventual nominee, Mitt Romney, by FOUR places, you would think that might give him a boost of confidence going forward, but I guess losing to two of the most batshit crazy candidates in the field put the overall impact of this Iowa poll on the final nomination process into perspective for ole T-Paw.

I have to say that for me personally it is a shame, because right up until this morning I had a hell of a time differentiating between Pawlenty and Santorum. But as of right now I know that Pawlenty is NOT the guy who believes that a woman who has been raped should carry her rapist's child to term. 

Okay folks time to get out your crystal balls and let's see who YOU think will be the next potential loser to Obama in 2012 to come to their senses.

Rick Santorum believes that allowing women to terminate the pregnancy which resulted from their rape would be to traumatize them twice. Wait, what?

Courtesy of Crooks and Liars:

"Would you allow no exceptions for cases of rape on incest?" Fox News host, Byron York asked. "Polls have shown that large majorities of Americans support some exceptions for abortion. Are your views too much, even for many conservatives to support?" 

"That child is an innocent victim," Santorum replied. "To be victimized twice would be a horrible thing. It is an innocent human life, genetically human from the moment of conception. We in America should be big enough to try to surround ourselves and help women in those terrible situations who have been traumatized already. To put them through another trauma of an abortion, I think is too much to ask. So I would absolutely stand and say that one violence is enough."

Now ladies I might need all of you weigh in here, because I am just one of those pathetic creatures burdened with a "Y" chromosome, but is there really ANY comparisons between the feelings associated with terminating an unwanted pregnancy and being forced to carry your rapists child to term?

Personally I would have to imagine that every day of those long nine months could potentially add layers upon layers of trauma to the initial pain of the assault.

It sounds as if Santorum, who believes that life begins as conception, feels this same way about the "morning after" pill. As if taking a precautionary medication to ensure that the potential of fertilization resulting from a violent insemination does not further burden the victim, can be compared to the act of rape.

Does Rick Santorum not have a wife, or sister, or daughter?

What is it about these people that makes them place the rights of a cluster of cells above that of every other already living person on the planet. 

They demand that the fetus be protected, yet they support the death penalty.

They demand that the fetus be protected, yet they have little problem sending our troops to kill people all over the world.

They demand that the fetus be protected, yet they argue against sending aid to places like Africa where famine is killing thousands of innocent people.

I will just never understand why the protection of a POTENTIAL life, can take precedence over the protection of an ACTUAL life.

And perhaps it is better that I NEVER understand that.

Here are the Iowa Straw Poll results. Try to act excited.

Courtesy of the LA Times:

1. Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (4823, 28.55%) 

2. Congressman Ron Paul (4671, 27.65%) 

3. Governor Tim Pawlenty (2293, 13.57%) 

4. Senator Rick Santorum (1657, 9.81%) 

5. Herman Cain (1456, 8.62%) 

6. Governor Rick Perry (718, 3.62%) write-in 

7. Governor Mitt Romney (567, 3.36%) 

8. Speaker Newt Gingrich (385, 2.28%) 

9. Governor Jon Huntsman (69, 0.41%) 

10. Congressman Thad McCotter (35, 0.21%) 

Well Michele Bachmann won which should come as no surprise to ANYONE. She is the flavor of the moment and she is a fellow Iowan, which gives her an advantage.

And that was BEFORE everybody watched her eat her corndog.

I have to say that I am somewhat surprised that Tim Pawlenty and Rick Santorum (Or as I call them Dweedle dipshit and Dweedle Dumbass), came in third and fourth, right after Ron Paul's second place showing.

I find it amazing that the press gives this stupid poll so much attention when the top five winners don't even have a snowball's chance in hell of getting the nomination.  

What I think might be somewhat newsworthy is that Rick Perry, who was not an official name on the poll and only declared his candidacy this morning, was able to win a sixth place position as a WRITE IN. That should really cause the eventual nominee Mitt Romney some sleepless nights.

All of this media attention these candidates are getting must be driving Palin CRAZY, I wonder what she could possibly do to get them to look in her direction?  

 
Of course, what was I thinking?

I know I promised this yesterday but I done runned out of time. So let me present the Daily Show's Iowa Candidate Tent coverage.

The Daily Show - Indecision 2012 - Corn Polled Edition - Candidate Tent Coverage
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Personally I think it is still funny even on a Saturday morning.

(If the video won't play just click here.)

Talking Points Memo has a MUST SEE highlight reel of the Republican debate from last night.

Just in case you thought I exaggerated with my earlier post.

By the way I just have to say I that I think Bachmann won the debate when she reminded the panel that SHE introduced the "Lightbulb Freedom of Choice Act."  I mean seriously, which one of THEM has done anything even remotely as important?

(I know a lot of you have asked me to post the bit from the Daily Show about this Ames poll, and I will later, but I really thought that this video was actually funnier and more entertaining. Which is especially humorous because this bunch of nincompoops actually thought they were convincing Americans that they could be President.)

"I'm the worst possible choice for this country! No, I am! I hate this country! I hate it more!" Last night's GOP debate in a nutshell.

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I was only able to watch a little of this three ring circus, because I have a doctor's note that excuses me from watching too much Fox news since it dramatically impairs my ability to engage in rational thought.

However what I did see was MORE than enough to convince me that we need to work our little progressive asses off to make sure that President Obama gets reelected, and that not ONE of this simple minded douchebags should be allowed anywhere near the White House!

Seriously I don't care HOW disappointed you are in this President, or how frustrated you are that he did not wave his magic negro wand and solve all of the nation's problems like you convinced yourself he would, from what I saw last night he is this country's only hope of not ending up looking like a real life version of a "Mad Max" movie.

These are the scariest bunch of lunatics I have seen gathered on one stage since I watched patients at the Alaska Psychiatric Institute put on their version of a "Midsummer Night's Dream." (Not bad really.  I especially enjoyed the part where the actor playing Puck forgot his lines and kept asking if anybody in the audience had a copy of Shakespeare with them.)

Hearing these slack jawed candy asses claim that they would NOT raise taxes even if they were promised ten spending cuts for each tax hike made my frontal lobe scream for mercy.

I know these people are smarter than that (except for Michele Bachmann who is only about six brain cells away from having to have a cork stuck to the end of her fork) and yet they refuse to stand up to Grover Norquist and the Teabaggers, and tell the voters the truth about what it will take to fix this nation's economy.  That was a shameful display.

There were a FEW glimmers of intelligence, such as Jon Huntsman saying that he would repeal NCLB, but for the most part this appeared to a contest to see who could act like the most ignorant man on the stage.

In fact these wannabe leaders of the free world had dumbed themselves down to such a degree that having Sarah "all you need is common sense" Palin and Rick "I can't figure it out so let's pray for a solution"Perry join them onstage might actually have RAISED the combined Intelligence Quotient.

Yeah, it was THAT bad! 

Now if you will excuse me I have to write a check to the Barack Obama reelection campaign.

How come I didn't know that Clark Griswold was running for President?

Oh I'm sorry it is not Clark Griswold, it's Rick Santorum!  But you do see how easy it is to get them confused, right?

I know what you are thinking. "Oh Gryphen, you are messing with us. That MUST be a parody."

Nope, it's not.

It is the desperate attempt by Rick Santorum to mimic Sarah Palin's "highly successful" political bus tour/family vacation in order to get some national attention.  Because dammit, Rick Santorum recognizes a good idea when he sees one!

Gee I wonder if Santorum will "ride a hog" like Sister Sarah did?

By the way I also stumbled across some footage of the Santorum road trip that was not used in the political ad. (If you are at work you might want to skip this video until later, as it contains some quite a lot of adult language.)



But don't worry kids, it will not JUST be about Rick "The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex" Santorum taking his children around and lying to them about American History, he will also be sharing that ignorance with the American people he meets along the way.

Santorum said he’s been criticized for saying earlier this week, “Schools indoctrinate our children.” He added, “I said ‘indoctrination’ and I meant it.”

Rick Santorum speaks earlier Thursday at a restaurant in Rock Rapids.


As an example, he said: “Sixty-two percent of incoming freshmen come into college with a faith conviction and leave without it. … I suspect if you took a control group of kids who don’t go to college, that doesn’t happen.”

“We see this humanism and secularism being pushed on our children,” said Santorum, who, with his wife, Karen, has been home-schooling their seven children through about eighth grade.

That's right folks!  Rick Santorum's message to America is "Don't allow your children to become educated. It just makes them too intelligent to buy into your Theocratic bullshit! And THAT is just bad for America!"


(H/T to the Huffington Post.)

Rachel Maddow addresses the Iowa "Marriage Vow" and a whole potpourri of crackpot Republican shenanigans.

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Do you ever get the feeling that the Republicans are just putting us on?

Or at least hope they are?

Math hates Rick Santorum.

The other day GOP Presidential candidate, and mathematical wizard, Rick Santorum had the following back and forth with CNN's Ali Velshi:

SANTORUM: [Obama] passed a huge stimulus package that now we know, over the past two quarters, has actually cost American jobs, and that’s from the report of his own administration. They claimed in December that, uh, by the end of last year that they created 280 million jobs, and now they’re saying that they created only 240 million jobs. So look, in this, you’re talking about huge increases in spending.

ALI VELSHI: Senator, I’m going to ask you to restate that, I’ve never heard that in my life. Tell me again, what you just said.

SANTORUM: If you look at the report that came out on Friday, the President’s own economic advisers said that the jobs stimulus package actually created fewer jobs over the period of time, since the uh, since the stimulus package went in place than it did when they reported back in December. In other words, there’s 30 million less jobs as a result of the stimulus package.

VELSHI: That’s not a loss of jobs, Senator, that’s a smaller aggregation of jobs. You can’t go on a campaign, a national campaign with this kind of math Senator. It’s just incorrect…I know you’ve got a lot of interviews to do. You might want to check that math.

Here is the video of the exchange.



As ridiculous as Santorum appears during this argument with Velshi, Think Progress points out that Santorum just gave the Obama administration credit for completely solving the jobs crisis and is too ignorant to realize it.

Velshi is absolutely correct that Santorum needs to check his math, but he missed the huge problem with Santorum’s numbers. The entire American civilian labor force is about 153 million people. There are currently 13.9 million people unemployed. If the Obama administration had created 240 to 280 million jobs, the unemployment crisis would have been solved several times over, and America would have so many jobs that it would need to start employing workers from all over the world just to fill all the available positions.

So either Barack Obama is the greatest President in American history, and can solve economic problems with a wave of his hand, or Rick Santorum is an under educated douchebag.

Sadly it appears the latter is more likely.

(Though to be fair, if we give him a second term in office Obama just might prove to be the former as well. I still have hope.)