Sorry guys. How dramatic of me to exit and then not come back. It's been awful, don't want to lie. I pull back to the extreme when sh*t hits the fan apparently. Sigh...
In the midst of a whole lot of life crap I've had a break-up and you know that just adds insult to injury.
I'm posting my silly closure letter which he won't see, in efforts to get over it.
We had dated for several months and I guess I was hoping for a happy ending. We never declared our love to each other and I was stopping myself, just as he was, from going there. The hope I think for both, at least I thought so, was that was where we were heading. I have had no closure. We saw each other on Sunday and he left my home on Monday. I sent a text indicating I was worried he seemed troubled and asked if I could help. He said "no, but thx". I told him that at times I worried I was a complication in his life (
there are reasons I won't go into that made me feel this way). He said he complicated life enough on his own. I lol'ed. I said he had a decision to make about the value I added to his life. I said that I need to be valued and also to value what I had. I told him I was feeling distance. He has not text me back - that was Monday - this is Thursday.* That about answers it.
*I did send four texts after this. One right after the above - which told him I was entering a hospital and wouldn't be able to text. And one after I got out of the hospital (visiting a friend) saying the friend was doing well. One the next day which was maybe overkill:
Me:
This may be your way of withdrawing during a difficult time. Not sure. Was not going to contact you at all until you did me and realize that's game playing. I don't play. I have enjoyed our time together. We have similarities and differences. I believe you think I'm special/extraordinary but...timing is off and as you said the other day timing is everything. As they say don't hate the player, hate the game. ;)Then I waited to today and sent this:
Me:
Great news in an otherwise shitty week. I found my food chopper!!I'm embarrassed as I write here. What a dumb ass for trying to keep in contact with a guy who for whatever reason feels no need to contact me. The letter below is my closure letter. I hope to God the embarrassment of writing here, will keep me from texting him again.
Letter to the Dude:
Dude,
There is something going on. Can’t put my logical, blond brain around it. I’m so conflicted when it comes to you. I want to believe you and then I get mixed messages. I want to believe everything you tell me and then I wonder if that’s just my romantic nature and a denial state I enter.
I told you before you left for Montreal at Christmas that I need to feel connection in order to feel strong about us. There was only one email. You explained this and I accepted it. Then you didn’t tell me you were going to Montreal until you mentioned in a conversation you wouldn’t be at work for the week. Why? I get that you need to go. Why not share that? Why keep me at a distance. I know you have the answer to that question.
I am a good person. I believe you know that. I think you know I’m in a messy work situation right now and don’t need additional stress and yet I seem to be in one with you. I have given you plenty of outs to get out cleanly. Every time I give you this option you choose to say you’re very interested? Why?
You’ve brought me into your mess. But you won’t explain what the mess is. Why? I get if you want someone to play with and this has not turned out the way you wanted. I accept that. I just need to be told that.
Someone told me you’re not losing any sleep over me. That hurts. I have a hard time accepting that based on what you’ve communicated to me. Because it makes everything you said a lie. And it makes me dumb. I think I’m in your thoughts in one way, shape, or form. Good or bad – I’m in them. If I’m not you’re a psychopath and I don’t think you’re that! Haha.
I may seek the ‘distant’ type of guy, I’m not sure. Do I believe I’m truly lovable? Pretty enough? Hot enough? A good catch? On a good day I feel all of those things, and then when a relationship doesn’t go well I question it. I may not be any of those things to you, and that sucks.
I hate that I’m writing this drivel. I risk more hurt and looking foolish and desperate and needy. God I hate all those things. I’m a very proud person. Very. Walls up everywhere. I keep myself at a distance – the ice queen. When I let them down I’m vulnerable and I allowed myself to go there with you. I feel silly.
Its women that seek the answers and have needs for closure. Men are more able to compartmentalize, I envy that. This letter will not be sent to you. It’s my own form of closure – my own cathartic letter to you – my own hope of closing the door.
Bon Voyage my French man.
