Debilitating. Paralyzing. Energy draining.
My fear of failure is all of the above.
I'm being 'punished', isolated and rejected by my old workplace because I dared strike out on my own. A promise of using me to help me get started came with a rider. Pay me 25% of your new company's income and you can work for me. I declined. I knew that business like the back of my hand and wanted to see it succeed into the future. Instead my bold move, which took place over months and with full knowledge of the owner resulted in a backhand. I want to be my own boss. I want to make it or break it on my own merits. I grew that business, almost doubling yearly profits. I had an excellent team. I worked inhumane hours and it was killing me.
The old boss has hired someone he hated, who he let go and who at the time blamed me as well as him. I had no say in the matter, but my loyalty to the boss kept me from sharing how I really felt. Now I'm being thrown under the bus. He's desperate and needs help, he employed his hated former staff. He's telling her and others that I was the root of the problem. It's difficult for me.
That said, there is nothing to be gained by going around shouting my own story. I have always chosen the high road (okay 90% of the time), and there will be nothing to gain by trying to defend myself. I am no longer there, I no longer matter in the grand scheme. That's been made clear. Fortunately there is little to no influence that the ex-boss holds - he is not connected to my sector, I was the link. The new/old staff is not connected either.
My old boss is making bold and desperate moves in order to stay afloat, and I can't blame him for trying. He's going about it the wrong my in my opinion, but he's doing what he feels he needs to do.
I've been fearful that turning down his offer will mean career suicide because it's tough to get customers in a new business, particularly one that's new in service delivery. I have a GRAND vision and believe it's more than viable, but how long can I sustain living off of next to nothing? When the going get's tough, the tough get going.. blah blah blah. I know all that stuff, this really is a test of my true merit. Do I believe in myself enough? Do I want 'it' bad enough? We shall see.
