I hate it when people tell me..."You're so strong!"
Not that I'm ungrateful. Because I'm not. I'm actually pretty flattered when people say things like that to me. I mean, the thought of someone considering me to be strong enough to admire is pretty overwhelming.
Because I am not that strong. Not even close.
People see me during everyday life, and they make the assumption that I am this spiritually and emotionally secure person, who can handle every storm life throws at her, and who can laugh in the face of adversity. They see me walking around with a husband and four kids and say:
Look at you! You're able to handle it all! I am so impressed!
Or they watch me wrangling my youngest child who has ASD/SPD and is about as easy and peaceful to wrangle at times as an F4 tornado, and say:
I'm so impressed! You keep your calm, and handle him with love and patience. I could never do that.
Or they get wind that I am getting published soon and say:
Four kids and you've written books? Impressive! What an accomplishment to balance both family and a new career! Well done!
Or most recently, upon hearing that I'd lost all of my files for all of my books yesterday, which--by a writer's standards--is a catastrophe of epic proportions. And that's putting it mildly, I heard:
Look at you! Making lemonade out of lemons! So mature! Such a great perspective...
When the truth is...on the inside. I am peeing my pants. No really, I am. Here is why:
1.) When I am with my husband and kids, I literally put no effort into myself what-so-ever. At all. I only wear makeup and something other than sweats on Sundays, and that's only because we go to church on a regular basis. If we didn't, I would no longer own dresses. Period. My poor husband has adopted the ability to love me even when I look like a lesbian logger. (Not that there's anything wrong with the lesbian logging community.)
2.) When people see me wrangling my special needs child, they only see me...trying to keep it cool while he kicks, hits, bites, and screams at me. He can't help it that he is uncomfortable and overwhelmed. He can't help it if he wants to crawl out of his own skin. He can't help it if the sights, sounds, and smells around him are overwhelming him to the point of wanting to LOSE HIS D*MN MIND. It is just my job to make him comfortable. Period. My losing my own temper would just add to the chaos, and in case you haven't figured it out, that's not a good thing to do. The truth of the matter is: I have no other choice. Being patient is the only option. And I'm not patient all the time. In fact, my loving nerd had to step in and take over for me last night, because if my youngest child threw ONE MORE THING on the floor during dinner, I was going all incredible hulk on everyone. Period. I am NOT someone to admire. If it were your kid, what would YOU do? You see? No choice. Parents of special needs kids have to just buck up and deal. Period.
3.) Yes. I've written 5 books, all while parenting 4 kids, and nurturing a marriage. No, this is not an impossible feat. The long and short of it is...my house isn't always clean, my legs are hairy, I wear a lot sweats, and my kids aren't alway coiffed to utter perfection. Somethings fall by the wayside when I am working. It just happens. I mean, don't go all CPS on me...the kids are getting cleaned and fed and loved...but not much else is happening. I work from home, so my mind is always working....instead of concentrating on the laundry I need to be folding, I am focused on a scene that needs more OOMPH, or the editing that is desperate to be finished. And most of this work happens late at night after everyone else is asleep...which means I spend 75% of my time sleep deprived. I should not be admired. If you really want to say something nice about my career, how about saying, I love your book so much that I am going to come over and watch your kids while you take a nap. That would be amazing.
And...
4.) Yeah...the computer meltdown thing...in which I vowed to turn lemons into lemonade? I am only taking this approach because I have no other options. Throwing my hands up and freaking out is not going to help me rewrite those lost chapters, is it? How much purpose does it serve for me to refuse to rewrite the stuff that was lost? None at all. And the longer I wait to redo this crap, the more daunting the task will be. I have deadlines. I have editors. I have a publicist. I am letting down more than just myself by sitting around pouting....however tempting it may be.
So......my point is: I'm not being ungrateful. Your admiration is flattering, really. But...I am not strong. I am simply a woman who is doing her best. The same that any of you would do. Sometimes life gives you situations that might appear intimidating to others, but when its YOU in the hot seat...you just deal with it.
God is funny that way. I used to scoff when I heard the saying that God never gives you more than you can handle. I thought that was a humans way of explaining why you need to buck up and get through tough times. But honestly, I get it now. God really doesn't put us in situations that are beyond our capability. I believe it now. And there are times when I want to throw my hands up and say "SCREW IT ALL, AZZHOLES! I'M OUTTA HERE!" I don't do it, because I am a woman. And we, as women, are born with the ability to cope. It's in there, somewhere. And if you look hard enough, you'll find it.
So next time you consider telling me.....Girl, you're so strong!
Just tell me....I'll take your kids so you can have a nap.
Because that statement will make me say thank you, more so than the other. I'm not strong. I'm just doing what any other woman would do in my shoes.
Brooke Moss.
