My son, who is 12, thinks that she is the most brilliant beast that ever walked God's green earth. I say otherwise.
He says, "Mom, she knows how to sit and how to come when she's called."
I say, "Son, she eats her own sh*t, and the other day she got stuck under a bed."
He says, "Mom, she can run as fast as a greyhound and she protects us kids."
I say, "Son, the other day, she cowered away from a spiderman toy your brother left on the floor."
This is a typical argument that ends with him slamming his bedroom door and declaring me 'the worst mother in the world'. A title I hold with pride. Back off, girls. This crown is all mine.
So anyway...
Our dog, Lucy, is not exceptionally intelligent. Not by a long shot. This dog...I tell ya....she runs into walls, she trips on her own feet, she gets lost in the backyard (which isn't all that big), she literally has been known to eat her own crap when the mood suits her, and before she got fixed...she was a real hussy. Just ACHING to get over that fence. Oy.
Long story short: Lucy wasn't gonna be reading us any books any time soon.
However, there is a side of Lucy that not many see. Lucy is a diva. She has a very fancy palette, and refuses to eat dry dog food without some canned food mixed in. Oh, and it can't just be any kind of wet food. It has to be chopped beef & lamb. Don't even THINK about giving Ms. Lucy liver. Oh no. She doth not lower thine standards to eat liver.
So today, as I was editing like a biznatch (and crying and screaming and kicking and maybe sucking my thumb a little bit) I looked over and realized that Lucy was lying next to my desk. Licking herself. And for the first time since Miss Thang joined our family, I realized how annoyed I am with her!
I mean, granted, she is a dog. And she sleeps on the floor. And eats canned meat.
So logically, I realize there is nothing to be jealous of. But...seriously. She has it so easy! I wish I knew how to train a dog. (Or had the time to do it) Not the usual stuff, though.....I don't want a dog who fetches and barks on command. I don't want to shake her paw, or watch her roll over. I see her roll over enough when boy doggies come around the fence...the brazen hussy.
No. None of that. I want a dog who is Super Intelligent.
I want to train Lucy to be our nanny, like the dog on Peter Pan. I mean, how freakin' cool would that be? We could go places, and Lucy would watch the kids, bathe them, feed them, and put them to bed. (Not to mention protecting them from pirates and little boys in tights)
I also want to train Lucy to cook for me. Let's face it. I can't cook. In fact, I suck at it. I would love to see Lucy in the kitchen with a nifty little apron on and possibly a hairnet. I could have eggs benedict and flourless chocolate cake at my leisure. I could have Lucy make the snacks, and mac-n-cheese for the kids. What a world it would be if I could continue working instead of stopping to cook/serve/cleanup. Cook/serve/cleanup. Over and over and over and over and over...
I think Lucy should be our family chauffeur, as well. She could do the lovely carpool every day, instead of me. Imagine not having to spend hours every day driving to four different schools? I can't even imagine what that would be like. So help me....I am so sick of driving carpool. This year was so tough, I'm actually looking forward to summer vacation. Now that's a first. So I think as long as I am training Lucy to be super intelligent, I should probably teach her to drive.
And so long as we're doing all this, I think I should consider teaching Lucy to balance the checkbooks and pay the bills. If Lucy could manage all of that, my life would be much easier. I can see her now, sitting there at the table, with a calculator. Maybe some half glasses. I love it.
You know...the more I think about this plan for canine super intelligence, the stronger I feel about two things:
1.) Dogs have it extremely easy. I think the need to be trained to do more. The more we expect from our dogs, the more they will perform. That's my theory. To test that theory, I am currently handing my checkbook and a pen to Lucy while she lays on the floor snoring and farting. (She farts all the time...it's repulsive. No, really. Very unladylike.) She just looked at it....I think she might be getting ready to do something.....no, wait. She's chewing on it now. Super.
And...
2.) I really, really need a day off. Seriously, I'm talking about training a dog to run the kid's carpool.
I think I need a nap.
Brooke Moss.
