In this Post I am going to discuss how my ever increasing Student Loan Debt has led me to think about "Doing Myself In" so to speak.
It will not be a research project on suicide so much as my effort to describe a gradual slide of the mind into very dark regions and feelings of shame, helplessness and, later, hopelessness as the Student Loan debt kept growing and growing over the period of some fourteen years after my Law School Graduation in 1996.
In the Christian faith, suicide is a terrible sin - possibly the worst sin of all - and, as I understand it, the reason is because it is the taking of a life that God has given you; a life which you have no right to take or end, and only God has the right to end it etc.
But still, if the sinful aspect of suicide is keeping me from taking my own deeply indebted life, I still feel that the remainder of my life in the USA will be a very harsh and limited one (due to the surreal debt or "price" on my head).
So that is why I keep repeating the idea that I have to make my soul ready for a better life in the hereafter.
The Post after this one will discuss the sterility of a debtor's life, and how debt destroys relationships. (In my case a heterosexual relationship between a man and a woman).
I say sterile, because the debtor's life is poor and non productive and, well, a life of jerking off, literally and figuratively.
So I will call that one: "Masturbation and Debtor's Isolation" or something like that.
Part of that Post will explore why pornography, when depicting a sexual act between a man and a woman, very often concludes the performance with the act, or "Convention" of the porn genre, if you will, of sterile masturbation on the part of the male; and with ejaculation most often aimed at the face of the Woman. In other words, the "Come or "Cum" Shot."
After much reflection, I think I understand why that is, and I will explain all that as well. It is a theory of mine that sort of ties in with the work of Carl Jung, but mostly the concept of the Mother archetype that is deeply embedded in the universal soul of mankind etc, and I will explain all that. (Blah, Blah what do I know right?)
Look, don't get offended. All the porn shit informs an American male greatly, and if you don't believe me, go get a job working with a bunch of house painters.
But again, stay tuned for more additions on this current Post on Suicide over the weekend. I am not drinking any beer, so it should come off as more lucid. And I have another banjo number I can post if I get a little quiet time to record it and post it on my youtube channel.
In the meantime, here is DEE, The Preacher, again, probing the old Soul as usual, and with great success (at least in my case). It comes out in full screen pretty clearly too. BTW, I want to name my preacher character after DEE.
_________________________
BULLIES
Bullies with money
Grab the weak kids and bash them
till they bleed.
Bullies with money
and all full of bluster
Break open the noses of punks
and cold cock them on the chin
with a mean nasty grin
Because Bullies with money
get away with grubby nails and
greasy fingers.
And Bullies with money
with fists full of muscle
like to squeeze on the necks
of the women that hustle.
Bullies with money
make the crybabies cry
and yank on the ties
of kids out of College.
Cause Bullies with money
get great big boners
as they bash you, and bash you, and bash you
some more.
JD Painter
And Re: the Ann Coulter stuff is just a goof I hope people realize. But I think it's all funny anyway, and the more attention to the SL debt issue the better. So why not?
6:35AM-I just deleted a lot of stuff that was all distracting and BS. I will remove the Bullies poem later too as I work on this post, but I'll leave it for today.
8:52AM. Slept like I was dead, and feel much better. Damn this blog is still getting lots of views.
I think I will do a full version of my banjo song: "Walter Winchell's Funeral" and post it tomorrow. The song is very gloomy and depressing and is my tribute to all the journalists and political commentators and politicians and lawyers everywhere (Except Katie Couric, who is cute as a button :)
And of course Nicole Kidman is not any of those, and is in an entirely different league, referred to as "Goddess" ;)
And I'm trying to get onto Ann Coulter's Chat Room or Discussion Board. If I do, I will bring up the Dept. of Ed's very scary SWAT team etc. and refer her to these blogs. After all, the more attention the issue of SL debt gets, the better, I think.
So here again is Jane Learmonth talking about my Heart, in much the same way Ann Coulter does. (Sigh)
Gotta go paint and will see youse all guys tonight.
12:28PM June 11. Back Home. Work was put off till Monday, and so I am taking a break and working on my banjo chops. I came up with a nice rendition for Dee's song above and will work on it this week and tweak it. I love it. it feels good, like getting something of my chest, and complements Dee's rendition nicely, or at least I think so anyway.
I'm going to take Shane for a walk. he had a nice haircut in Locust Valley yesterday, and now he barks in Locust Valley Lockjaw (he's a quick study).
Any way we walk past Billy Joel's motorcycle shop almost every day and steam up his windows. I'm a bit ambivalent about Harleys.
Billy Joel is Mr. Long Island more or less, and so I identify with him a lot in that sense. One day, Billy Joel and I looked directly at each other and not more than 15 feet away. I didn't say anything, because I'm sure a lot of people bug him and I'm sure he has a whole way of dealing with it. In fact, I didn't even nod, let alone gaggle and gawk like another woman was doing. But it was the second time Billy Joel and JD Painterguy, the scamblogger, looked curiously at each other.
It was like the time my ex-wife and I saw Jerry Seinfeld in an apple orchard in the Hamptons. We didn't bother him, although he was standing right in front of us. However, Star, our Springer Spaniel, decided to poop right in front of his black Range Rover as he was leaving, and Jerry was forced to stop and wait. We all laughed, and Jerry gave one of those goofy looks or expressions that he so often gave on his old show.
But as far as Billy Joel goes, I'm sure me and Shane are a familiar sight to him and his mechanics by now, and I did have a short talk with BJ's mechanic, who was a nice guy from Georgia, and used to race dirt bikes, of which I have a few older ones as well, and fix up with my brother, who is also a very talented mechanic, when we can scrape up a few extra bucks, which seems to be never over the last few years.
It is an inexpensice hobby, sort of like juggling.
And since I'm all over the map, and getting lots and lots of views lately, and since old posts get buried and forgotten, here is a pic of the US Supreme Court again. My grandfather and great grandfather erected all the steel you see in the pic, in 1932. My last name is on the upright derricks. if you zoom in you will see the letters, top to bottom: KOCH.
I wonder what my grandfather would say, if he were alive today, about my lifetime Student Loan Debt. He used to go fishing with a prominent Federal Judge too.
And, until tomorrow, for all me Ladies and Lassies. Sleep well tonight:
