Ugh...35 sounds so old. I hate the way it sounds. So....midway to 40. Argh. It gives me a stomach ache. Next thing I know, I will be wearing Depends and using Metamucil. Or drinking hot water with lemon and enjoying reruns of Hee Haw. Or waving my fist at cars going too past my house too fast and leaving my blinker on for three blocks at a time.
I guess the fact of the matter is, I'm old now.
Well...since my beloved mother only gets better and sassier with age, I think I will follow in her footsteps. As I head down the slippery slope towards 40, I will devote myself towards becoming mouthier (uh oh), more opinionated (Oh, SNAP.), and more demanding!
For the love of all things holy, duck and cover!
I think I will start with my birthday wish list.
Now, before I go on...I have to add that my 9 year old daughter came home with an invitation to a friend's bday party a few months ago. I didn't know this girl very well, but was planning on letting my little girl go....that is, until I opened the invitation and saw that they'd included a wish list.
Yeah....a wish list. For a nine year old's bithday party. And...it wasn't like it said sweet, kindhearted things like "World Peace" or "all of my friends to have a great time!" on it....NO SIREE. It said things like games for her Nintendo DS (30 to 40 bucks a pop!), clothes from Abercombie and Bullsh*t, or whatever that stupid overpriced store is called, and--get this one--Money. The little witch actually asked for...
Money.
I was appalled. What kind of a mother allows her daughter to send out a friggin' wish list with her birthday invitations?? IN THE THIRD GRADE? No really...if you're reading this, you need a therapist and an azz kicking. I can only provide one of those things for you. Because, of course, I didn't let my daughter go, out of principal, and well, also because we couldn't afford any of the things listed on the wish list, so my daughter was sad as could be. She cried, and I felt like a jerk, it was a mess, the end.
So........in all actuality, I would never put out a wish list for my birthday. Unless it was a very tongue-in-cheek list like.....
THIS ONE:
Brooke Moss' Wish List 2011
1.) Gastric Bypass Surgery, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. (This should come as a package deal, and include a hot doctor resembling someone on General Hospital.)
2.) Cheese. I want expensive, fine cheeses from all over the world. I don't want to hear about how much they cost, I just to enjoy them with some Triscuits and peace.
3.) Gerard Butler. Nekkid. ('Nuff said)
4.) Long, flowing red hair that never fades and hangs down my back in lovely waves and never needs trimming, gum cut out of it, detangling from chubby little fingers, etc etc etc...
5.) Success. I want my books to become hits. I don't want to walk red carpets, but I do want to earn a decent living and continue to publish books. I can only do this if my books are successes.
6.) I want my orange scooter. I am halfway there. I sold 4 books. But now those 4 books need to sell, so that I can buy my orance scooter my hubby has been promising me for years...
7.) I want to never have to shave my legs again. I am so sick of being lethal. I am tired of starting brush fires under the covers at night because there was no time to shave that day. I am tired of making my husband shudder (in a bad way) when I tangle legs with him at night.
8.) I want a pause button. For life. I want to be able to pause life and sit and enjoy my children and my nerd and my career. Right now, it feels like everything is moving in hyperspeed all around me, and I wish I could just pause it, and catch my breath!
9.) Gerard Butler. Nekkid. (Did I already say that?)
10.) I want Nicole Kidman's body. Really, I do. Tall, thin, willowy, birdlike.....*SIGH* Not in the cards for me. I lumber through the room like a linebacker in drag, and sound like a witch when I laugh. I couldn't be dainty if I were getting paid to be dainty.
11.) I want success for all of my writer friends. I know...this one sounds like BS. But I promise you, it's not. (Stop scoffing...I'm trying to have a "moment" here!) With my newfound start to my career, I am finding myself wishing that I could find a way for all of the amazing writers I know to find success. It's exciting and humbling to finally get what I've been working towards, and honestly....it all feels pretty surreal. But...sometimes I think success is nothing unless you can help someone else achieve it, too. Ok, ok...that was a little bit too "Hallmark Card", even for me, but it's how I feel. Shut up.
12.) I wish my youngest son could function like a normal, average child. I don't know, maybe someday he will. And frankly, his test scores are coming up every week, so maybe eventually he will. But there are still moments when his disabilities glare so brightly, it makes me want to scream. I think I would take this one above the Gerard Butler wish. Yeah, I said it....
13.) I want a Lifetime made for TV movie made about The What If Guy. I really do. Holy mother of heaven, I do. I want a silly, cheesy movie made about my words. I would sh*t twice and die. I really would.
14.) I want maids to come to my house today and clean it top to bottom. No matter how long it takes. I want them to scrub-a-dub until this house sparkles like the day it was built. That should only cost.....a grand. No prob. Pocket change, really....
15.) Gerard Butler. Nekkid. (Wait......I'm sure I already said that. I must want this one really bad.)
Okay, that's my birthday wish list this year. Please fed ex these things to my house immediately, and wrap them all in money, which is the ultimate wrapping paper, dontcha know?
Happy birthday to me. Hope this year is as good as the last.
Brooke Moss.
