I've been on a Barbie kick lately.
I don't know why. I guess I was running out of Pin Up Girls to use for my Facebook and Twitter pics, so I adopted Barbie for a while. When I was little, I loved Barbie dolls, and had hundreds of them. My daughter has some, but she doesn't like them as much as I did, which I have to admit...I am sort of thankful for.
I mean, let's be honest...she's a little skanky, and she isn't the world's best example when it comes to fashion. Though....to this day, the Peaches and Cream Barbie wore my dream prom dress. In my 9 year old mid-80's mind. I'm just sayin'. Here is a pic:
I mean, nobody can beat that dress, right?? Right? Ah, well, it was 1985, leave me alone.
So in honor of Mother's Day (what does this have to do with mother's day, you ask...well, the answer is: I don't freakin' know. The truth is...I haven't got anything really savvy to say about Motherhood, except that I love my kids so very much that I am willing to forgive them for making me so damned fat and for trying to kill me on a daily basis...alright?) So since I am a MOTHER, I am dedicating this post to Barbie Dolls...because they fascinate me. Even after all these years.
But...I often look back on a hilarious conversation I had with an old roommate of mine, when I was 19 or 20 or so. His name was "Little Dave", a name I doubt he particularly enjoyed, but I was 19 and completely inconsiderate, so I continued to call him that. Well, Little Dave was the shizzle. I loved Little Dave. In fact, I probably would have dated him, had he not been small enough to fit into my pocket.
Hey, what can I say? I'm tall and portly. I don't want to look like a redwood tree next to my husband, okay? Lay off.
So anyway....this conversation happened over coffee and while wearing flannel in the early 90's, way before they had the internet where you could find pictures to go alone with your funny ideas. We spent hours discussing all of the hilarious Barbie's that Mattel would never make. At one point, we were getting so crass, I had tears going down my face, and I remember thinking that I might throw up. So after a little bit of research...I present to you, my loyal "fans"....
The Barbie's Mattel Doesn't Want You To See:
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| This is Emo Barbie. She hates the world. She''s also known as Taylor Momsen. |
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| This is Stripper Barbie. She comes with her own pole and a constant supply of ones. |
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| This is Suburban Snob Barbie. She will pretend to like you to your face, but will say horrible things about you and your children behind your back. She come's with a Latte. |
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| This is Clueless Barbie and Still-In-The-Closet Ken. She has no idea that he is dating a guy named Paul on the side. How would she know? After all....he dresses so masculine. |
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| This is Married a 64 Year Old Man For His Money Barbie. She comes with her fingers crossed. |
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| This is I Dropped Out Of College To Pursue My Music Barbie. Her parents are trying to be supportive. Really, they are. |
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| This is Trailer Trash Barbie. She comes with a meth addiction and most of her teeth. Her step daddy punched the rest out when she was fifteen. |
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| This is Shhhh-Don't-Wake-Up-Mommy Barbie. She comes with a tumbler of Vodka and several pairs of sunglasses. |
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| This is Tramp Stamp Barbie. The original version's tattoo was a bullseye, but the makers thought it was too crass. |
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| This is Metal Head Ken. He did time for domestic violence, and a short stint in anger management, but the bitch really was asking for it. |
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| This is Ex Con Barbie. She comes with a razor blade and toilet water hooch. |
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| These are Alternate Lifestyle Barbie's. The come as a pair. (Not that there is anything wrong with that) |
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| This is Dominatrix Barbie. She also poses as First Grade Teacher Barbie during the day. Her whip costs extra. |
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| This is Amy Winehouse Barbie. When you pull her string and ask her if she'll go to rehab, she says NO NO NO. She also comes with plastic vomit that velcro's to her shoes. |
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| This is actually one of my favorites. It's Rockabilly Barbie. She likes to pose on the hoods of classic Barbie Cars and get tattoos. |
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| This is Teen Pregnancy Barbie. She didn't know you could get preggers the first time. But it's okay, her baby will love her, even if Eric doesn't. |
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| This is Binge & Purge Barbie. She doesn't share her dirty secret with anyone, and loves to work out. |
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| These are The Mean Girl Barbie's. They'll make your daughter cut herself and hate life. You'll basically want to kill them by graduation day. |
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| This is Baby Mama Barbie. She is expecting baby #4, but isn't sure who the daddy is. Maury Povitch will tell her when her episode premiers. |
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| This is I Slept With The Whole Football Team Barbie. She comes with a bottle of ointment. Not sure what it's for. |
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This is Plastic Surgery Barbie. She can never be perfect enough.
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Well, Little Dave...if you're reading this (I doubt it), hope you're pleased with my choices. And if I've left any special, limited version Barbie's out, feel free to let me know.
I freakin' love Barbies. Happy Mother's Day.
