I WANT TO BE A THESSOLONIAN

* I'm putting on my collar and running this again because someone on the internet has seen fit to use one of my cruder stories (The Good Brain bit) for a religious purpose I think--maybe to teach a moral about something. I don't know.

But to help the situation I thought... I would re-post this sermon, which is one of three I have in mind, or merge two into one-it depends--But the next in the series is tentatively Entitled:  The Chairman of The Board has Retired (From Life) with Sin as His Equity, and Damnation His Just Recompense.  (sigh)

Also, here is a good spot for my clawhammer Banjo song called: "Walter Winchell's Funeral" since the old Reverin' is throwing down a Peck of Brimstone and helping set the mood for the song. I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel sort of fond of  Ellie (in the front row) and might feature her thoughts and feelings more. Check back for the banjo vid later too!  

In the meantime.....

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Pay attention now youse guys! Listen, and can't you hear the: 




Loud Applause? 

I Want To Be A Thessolonian

We see the southern Preacher onstage, and to the accompaniment of loud applause. His name is Reverend Pride. He is well loved by his audience. He is tall somewhat  handsome,  middle aged, energetic and confident. He is highly respected by the community, much more so than is common.  He is a charismatic, intelligent presence with a curiously humble demeanor. There is a vague,  enigmatic quality as well.  His hair is thinning and he is slightly overweight. An ex-athlete softening but with a strong frame.

Preacher:  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you very much. I don’t know what to say. I really don’t know what to say. (He hands an object to an assistant offstage and returns.)

Applause diminishes.

Preacher is wearing a sweat stained white shirt and white pants. His thin tie is loosened and he has an unfocused look on his face. We’ll thank you. Y’all are so nice. I appreciate it. (Pause and a few last handclaps)

Preacher regains focus somewhat and leans back grinning with hands on hips.

Preacher:  Well! (Laughter)

Preacher: Well I tell you! (More laughter) I tell youuuuu! (Laughter gets louder)

                 Weeeeoo! (laughter all the while). Well now!

Laughter grows quiet. Well that’s what I call a Hello!  (titter) Preacher becomes even more focused. More seriously and lower in tone—“ a real how do you do! (And then quickly)—

OK Folks. Now I want ta share with y’all a little something about what happened yesterday mornin’ as me and my family was havin breakfast. Pause.  Now I know what your gonna say! Pause. Your gonna say now reverend Pride, what in the world do bacon and eggs have to do with a Sunday meeetin?” (chuckles from a few)

Yuh huh! You’all is probably wonderin ain’t that right? (light chuckles)

W’ell I’ll tell all that to you in a minute and you’ll see why I bring it up. He paces across the stage.  Bacon and eggs over easy with grits and coffee—southern style ain’t that right? (Cheers) We’ll huuu hu! A great way to start the morning praise the Lord! (clapping) I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.

Me and my wife Luellen and my two boys: Jason and Kyle—y’all probably remember hearin me talk about them. Jason the troglodyte digging forts on Government land, and Kyle the introspective one—y’all remember that?  OK yeah!

We’ll we like ta have a sit down breakfast on the weekends and let th’ fat fry if you know what I mean! (Whoops from the audience) I mean, we throw on a side of bacon or two, a dozen eggs in a big old iron skillet. The Preacher shakes his hips,….and then we just let er sizzle. OOOOOO! What a beautiful morning! (Cheers)

(Quieter) And toast, hash browns and the like….I tell you.

With more energy: “and what about them grits and come’on—a little ketchup Heinz 57 don’t hurt either?” (Cheers) I don’t hear you”  (louder cheers) Now we ain’t from New Jersey like some of my friends on the internet. We don’t put no mustard on our buttered Rolls ain’t that the truth!”  (laughter and more cheers)

(Loudly) Oh Man! What a beautiful morning! More cheers.

Quieter again.

Now seriously folks. Now I am telling a serious story here today when I say my inspiration for today’s sermon started at breakfast yesterday morning with my wife and two boys, and I mean it OK?

Pause.

Now when we sit down as a family for a meal—and I’m sure y’all can relate—it sort a acts as a check point for how the family is a gettin along. You may remember in my sermon last Spring—(the one about Family Unity and Charity and the Harmony Thereof)—I see a few nods amongst ya. You may remember what I said about how sittin down to a meal kind of gives everything goin on a airin. Remember that? And that how an airin was inevitable—whatever the consequences-- if ya just brought everyone together? Ma’s home cookin doesn’t hurt either. (laughter) That right. I see ya noddin Ellie. (Ellie in the front row is smiling and nodding) Remember that? It’s a little secret we older folks know ain’t that right? (affirmative murmers) And the younger folks ain’t gotta clue Hallelujah! ( Cheers)

(Waits patiently while the cheers die down)

OK. True to my word my family, the Pride family—just like yours (to Ellie) and y’alln,  triesto do that—all I’m sayin is to TRY--—and I’m not sayin we’re perfect or that we sit down every night like the Waltin’s—(He looks up and says: G’night John Boy—G’night Mary Ellen, G’night Grandpa to which there is more loud laughter)

He waits for the laughter to die down and continues:  “But the Pride’s do,… do that. We all honest to goodness try to sit down to dinner whenever we can. And sometimes with good results. A pause and nod. Sometimes with good results, he repeats.

Silence. The audience is still.

So we’re all sittin down yesterday mornin and me and Luellen was full, and my boys—y’all with young boys know how hungry a growin boy can get.

(UMMM HMMM from some in the audience)

We was a passin around second helpins and digging around the frig for more eggs, and about that time I started t’ thinking about what I was gonna say to y’all today.

Interested audience and Pause.

Now I had prepared a sermon—which I’ll save for next week—(light laughter)

And I was gonna practice yesterday morning on my family—just the high points and to get what they thought.

Confused Pause

Hey! If It don’t work for the Pride’s it ain’t agonna work for y’alln. That’s what I believe!

No response.

(He Continues.)  It had to do with one’s callin in life and the need to utilize one’s talents as best they can. Cause in case y’all don’t know it yet, every one of us is born with special gifts. Is that news to some a you?

(The audience seems dubious.)

No, No really.  No two people are exactly the same. One man’s gift can be another man’s (or Woman’s--Yes I hear you Ellie—Looks to Ellie in Front Row)

Continues:   ……….deficit or lack thereof. And that the old talent stick is passed around in UNEQUAL MEASURE . And gifts are not always discovered right away…….but we have them. We all have them. We surely do. And it is that discovery that is the journey…the path if you will………But I’ll save that for next week. (titter) Turns around and then turns back. Oh Don’t worry. I won’t forget! Starts in the other direction across the stage and then turns back and shouts quickly: “Praise the Lord and Halleluja! ( A burst of prolonged and loud applause). He waits until it finishes.

Anyway, I was hashin over this at breakfast yesterday and I asked my boys what it was that they wanted to do with their lives. You know, what it was that they wanted to BE. I thought I pretty much knew their talents—my ego being what it is. Oh yeah and sometimes I got a big old ego. (laughter)

He waits until the Laughter dies to Silence.

But think about it. It’s really a very simple question.

What do you want to be?

Pause.

I’m not sure that too many adults can answer that question let alone an eleven and a nine year old.

(A hmmmm)

But I asked them that question. What do you want to be, and lo and behold! My youngest son Kyle—(Screws up his face and haltingly says) a_ precocious boy if_ ever there was_ in the_ true sense_ of the_ word—

my youngest son Kyle pipes up and says: “Dad. Dad I want to be a Thessolonian.” 

(Light and slightly confused laughter)

There is a pause.  Preacher shrugs. I said to Kyle: What did you say?”  I thought maybe I hadn’t heard right. But Kyle repeats earnestly. And there was conviction in his voice! He repeats himself and says: Dad, when I grow up I want to be a Thessolonian.”

(More light Laughter)

The preacher pauses and gives a meaningful stare at the audience. The audience titters. He strides a few steps one way, then back the other way. Starts to speak and then stops, and then stares again.

More laughter. There is anticipation.

We’ll now. I didn’t know what to make of that statement and I sure didn’t know how to respond. I tried to think of how he could have gotten the idea from something I might have said at shine your shoes Sunday meetin here, or maybe something I said at home while he was wearing his sneakers in the back yard.   But I drew a blank. And y’all know how hard it is to get me to stop talkin.

Silence.

I drew blank because I couldn’t think of anything, and also because I was sort of impressed. (titter).

We’ll come on folks! (tittering increases)I mean I was IMPRESSED!  Have you ever heard anything bad said about the Thessolonians? (laughter) I mean, we do mention them at meetin and they were, praise Jesus, a righteous people deserving and worthy of all praise. (A longer pause.)…..but I don’t think they were ever the subject of focus enough to inspire a child to want to emulate them! And you don’t just run into them when you’re walkin down the street or getting your souplies at Wallmart now do ya? Pause.  I mean……….….he breaks off .(more laughter)

We’ll I have to admit I was confused! (laughter) So I asked my son. I asked my boy Kyle: “Son. Son what do you MEAN?” As he says the  word “Mean” he bends his knee, and squats almost.

(more confused  laughter)

“Son I said.  Now Son, (the rest of this sentence loudly and somewhat more prolonged or slowly stated)

…..the Thessolonians are a PEOPLE. ……………A PEOPLE, ……….. and NOT (great emphasis) A PROFESSION! (Emphasis on the capitalized words).

(light laughter).

Wonderment on his face.  But my boy….. My boy Kyle, he just stood firm.

Pause.

Oh no!

Pause.

No!

(Pause)

He never wavered.

He repeated his ambition to me several times, and much…….. to my confusion. He wanted to be a Thessolonian!  I mean……… I wanted to be proud of him…but I also wanted to understand where he was comin from. And I have to confess, he had me stumped! A goofy expression on his face when he says the word stumped. (light laughter from a few)

(curious silence)

I looked to my older son Jason for help. But Jason didn’t care. He wanted them eggs and them extra sausage we found in the back og the fridge. (shakes his hips) —so he wanted no truck. (loud and relieved laughter)

…… So then I came up with an idea.

I thought that if young Kyle was being sarcastic, which I uncharitably thought he was forgive me and much to my discredit, (he is a precocious boy. I mean, that boy is a caution if ever there was one--- a direct line of questioning would only give him the upper hand. You see—Kyle is a clever, introspective young fellow,--a true ARTISTE.

Pause. (I like to think he gets it from his old man. (laughter)

So instead…… instead I decided to play (clever expression on his face) ….. a little game. Pause.

Wrong of me though it was,--and I’ll admit whenever I’m wrong t’a y’all, -----but  I decided to play a little JEOPARDEE.  (The pronunciation is distinctively Southern).

But without the money of course.

Anyway, Y’all know the game I’m talking about.  It’s that game show on TV. He whirls about and his demeanor turns suddenly vicious—

He shouts:  The one called Jeopardy! Pronunciation is perfect with no accent. Where the vice and the SIN (shouts the word) of GAMBLING masquerades in front of the public as tryin’ to be  SMART!  (murmers from the audience)

I see. I think you know what I mean! (rising some affirmative yeah’s from the audience)

Brother Pride shouts again and with righteous anger:  How subtle are the ways of Satan! Test your IQ and wager your soul for a little chump change!

Pause. And quiet.

And how about that other show: WEEEEEL OF FORTUNE! where the blond lady kinda slinks around swishy –like (his emphasis and volume increases) in Skimpy Outfits and leads many a  husbands good mind astray, and makes you forget that the wages of gambling and sin are DAMNATION!   Pause. …….ETERNAL FIRE! (More louder murmers).

Oh Yeah! That’s right. FIRE! (Points somewhere in the audience) I see you. You know! Fire hurts don’t it!  (more and louder murmers) Who was he pointing at?

The preacher, sweatier now, dramatically and with perfect timing shudders and shakes this off. 

Be that as it may. Be that as it may (and let’s save that sermon for another time). (relieved murmers) But I won’t forget! Points to a section at the back of the crowd. There is nothing but empty seats(Amen and curious hmmmms from the audience).

Be that…………..as it may. Pause. I said to my son:  “Now son. I..I..I…….I don’t know what to say. I mean I don’t know what to say. A Thessalonian! Why that’s a noble ambition. A noble ambition indeed. For the Thessolonians were a noble and by and large righteous people,,, (almost under his breath) as all people are and ain’t it the truth Amen and Hallelujah!

He turns and continues:

But son I said:  Son let me ask you. I want to ask you WHY you want to be a Thessolonian, and if after my little Jeopardy-like  game with three guesses  I can’t explain your ambition then you have my blessing. You have my full blessing and I’ll help y’all any way I kin. I surely would. To the audience: And I surely meant it though I didn’t know what I was talking about or what I was gonna do  (Laughter)

I mean, oh man! A Thessalonian! What a concept!  (more carefree laughter)

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TO BE CONTINUED




*I'm mulling over the theme of what a person does for a living vs what or who they really are. Now that I think about it, many of the marginalized, or off the grid Student Loan debtors that are unemployed or underemployed are going through the same quandry I have. And I have the old "Do what makes you happy in life" thing in mind now. 
So you know, I'm playing with what do you want to do or be and who are you really, inwardly and outwardly. This story is just a shaggy dog, and supposed to be funny and a very soft jab at the Christian Ministers that are television and the airwaves so often. 

Not That! is a sermon! 


But woe, or whoa (not sure)  to him, whose good name is more than goodness!


Delight! Delight! For those that stand against the proud Captains and Commodores of this Earth, as his or her own inexorable self. (gotta check that quote again) but Melville was unbelievable, and I really hope others feel as well. And I'm even now experiencing a bit of a crisis in trying to understand Melville's leap from the penultimate good name/goodness gig to the last one about the proud captains and other fellows (as Bertie W might be inclined to wonder too) 


Time to consult with Jeeves, he said with resignation, and a sigh. 


You gotta understand to that these are very bad times for me now. Viewed with contempt by the larger, uneducated populace, and growing down instead of up. 


Out of money. Out of borrowed money. Out of family charity and sympathy, with no more excuses. 


How can anyone make post 70 or post 80 age people understand the situation? 


It is Horrible. Horrible. Truly Horrible.


A JD Bum, at the end of the downward spiral, getting dumped on by everyone, and with nowhere to go, and one step from the streets.


And all the blame is on me.


Thousands of hours spent in study. Hundreds of hours in taking exams. 


All wasted.


Maybe even God looks down upon me now.