The Human Resources Officer
(A Satire based on the statement: "You Can Do Anything With a Law Degree")
The Human Resources Officer for the Non-Legal Corporation looked dubiously at the Resume in his hands, and he tilted back in his leather chair, and frowned, as a number of thoughts circled through his mind.
There was the time his sister came to his house in tears over the extreme delay in her divorce proceedings. He tried to console her, and help her, but there was not much either of them could do. His sister's ex-husband was a lawyer, and he knew the ropes and all the ins and outs pertaining to divorce........and then there was all that nasty business over custody of the children.......
"What a scuzzy, sleazy, disgusting creep he was!" thought the Human Resources Officer.
"A lawyer!"
And then the Human Resources Officer for the Non-Legal Corporation thought back to the time he had a tenant that gave him no peace, and ended up not paying his rent for several months before moving out; threatening litigation, and causing the Human Resources Officer all sorts of grief and woe to no end.
"What a scuzzy, sleazy, disgusting creep he was!" thought the Human Resources Officer.
"A Lawyer!"
Then, even deeper in the mind of the Human Resources Officer, other thoughts started to ascend. About the boy who strangled a girl in Central Park, and how that boy was seen, at a party, and making light of it later. About Ron Goldman's family. Johnny Cochran and the glove trick. The guy wearing the Stetson on TV. And even the number: 1-800-SLEAZY.
"By GOD!" Said the Human Resources Officer. "What a bunch of Sleazy! Disgusting Creeps!
"LAWYERS!"
The resume boasted of a JD from a First Tier Law School. However, the Human Resources Officer for the Non-Legal Corporation crumpled up the resume in his hands until it was a little ball, and tossed it into the wastebasket.
Scenario 2
The Human Resources Officer for the Non-legal Corporation was genuinely perplexed as he stared at the Resume.
On the one hand, the applicant seemed like he was more than qualified to fulfill the duties that the job entailed.
"However," thought the Human Resources Officer..........However...........what's he?.........what's he some kind of a.............some kind of a..........second tier nut job?"
The Human Resources Officer thought some more, until he thought another thought:
"Why in the world does he want to take a huge step down and work here?"
The Human Resources Officer scratched his head and he hemmed, and he hawed and he thought about how having a person with a degree in law on board might help with those consumer complaint letters he had heard were coming in. The Human Resources Officer himself had once thought about going to Law School, and it was known that Lawyers had great reasoning and analytical skills.
The Human resources officer paused as the attractive secretary named Talia walked by. Lyrics from an old Van Halen song came to mind: "I like the way the line runs up the back of her stocking...."
He then looked back down at the problematic resume.
"No Social Skills," thought the Human Resources Officer for the non-Legal Corporation.
"That's gotta be it. Socially Inept and if he comes here, he might be a problem."
The Human Resources Officer crumpled up the resume into a tight little ball. The pretty secretary walked past again, and he crumpled the ball even tighter, and then threw it in the wastebasket.
"This Company cannot afford to take that kind of a chance" thought the Human Resources Officer for the Non-Legal Corporation.
Scenario 3
The Human Resources Officer for the Non-Legal corporation smirked and said:
"Oh sure!" And he read some more from the Cover letter that came with the Resume that was on his desk.
After a few moments more, the Human Resources Officer for the Non-Legal Corporation continued: "Yeah Right! He'll just mosey on in, and hang around until something better comes along!"
With a tinge of irritation he added: "........and then he'll skedaddle, and it'll be: See ya later guys! I'm blowin' this popcorn stand and I'm outta here! Get outta my way cause I'm shootin for the stars!"
The Human Resources Officer shook his head sagely and concluded:
"Oh no you don't! Not in this Corportion, because your going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool the chief Human Resources Officer over here at Non-Legal XYZ Corp. He's onto you Mr. 3rd tier Juris Doctor buddy ol'Pal!"
The Human Resources Officer crumpled up the resume into a tight little ball.
"The nerve of some people. I tell you." He said dismissively.
"Did you say something?" Asked the pretty secretary with the short skirt as she walked by.
Scenario 4
(And Lemmings, like the title to Van Halen's Album Cover,
This is Fair Warning!)
(And Lemmings, like the title to Van Halen's Album Cover,
This is Fair Warning!)
Once upon a time, there was this Human Resources Officer, you see, and the physical results of many years of heavy weight training, and martial arts schooling could not be concealed, even under the fabric of the well tailored charcoal grey Brooks Brothers suit that the Human Resources Officer of the Non Legal Corporation happened to be wearing on the day he picked up a stray resume that had the words "Juris Doctor" printed upon it at the very top.
As far as temperment goes, the Human resources Officer could be irascible at times, though he was, in the main, of a genial, and, what could be said to be, an even and affable disposition.
Whatever aggressions he had, the Human Resources Officer of the Non-Legal Corporation liked to express and thereby simultaneously sublimate by working out on a heavy bag that he kept hanging in his garage at home, since, the Human resources Officer reasonably felt, the heavy bag was the next best thing to his secret heart's wish: To go pound some meat with abandon, Balboa Style in a meat packing plant somewhere, and smash all the ribs within range of his bloody fists into splinters.
And now.....and now, a dingy little cloud started to pass over the Human Resources Officer's head.
It rained tiny acid drops on his full, jet-black hair, which was carefully slicked, and with no part, straight rearward, and it started soaking the obnoxious resume he was holding, and causing the ink to run, and to run down his hands and wrists--staining the cotton of his immaculate, linked together with 24K gold anniversary present, cuffs.
Seeing that, the Human Resources Officer started to become really angry, and the muscles flexed and shifted under his shirt. His shoulders started to lean forward, like those of an angry cat. A mean, and menacing scowl was now apparent.
He remembered the resume now, because it was the same one he had seen three times before. The guy with the JD wouldn't stop mailing it to him, and, not only that, the e-mail inbox of the Human Resources Officer was full of unopened e-mails from the same guy.
Exasperated, he looked around the large office space, and saw the pretty secretary with the short skirt walking in his direction. She too looked annoyed, though it was uncharacteristic of her to have such an expression.
"Rocky" she said as she approached. "That guy with the fourth tier law degree is here again, and he wants to talk to you."
"What!" said Rocky the Human Resources Officer "How can that be? How did he make it past the Security Desk?"
"I don't know", replied the pretty secretary with the short skirt, but he's sitting there now in the Reception Room, and refuses to leave. What a pushy fellow!"
The blood started to flow and move up Rocky's neck, and into his face, causing the veins in his temples to bulge and pulse with anger. He stood up, with clenched fists, and strode across the large office space towards the reception room. His lattisimus dorsi muscles were so well developed, the Human Resources Officer could no longer hang his arms normally. That, combined with his height of six-foot and five, made him an imposing sight. All who saw him stood out of his way.
When he got to the reception room, the lawyer guy with the 4th tier JD on his resume, who resembled a cheap, used car salesman sans checkered blazer and gaudy tie, stood up and smiled a cheap, used car salesman smile; the kind of smile a 90 pound weakling would also give.
The lawyer guy started to speak, but Rocky, the Human Resources Officer for the Non-Legal Corporation stood before him and interrupted. Rocky said:
"I'm gonna take my right foot........and whop you on that side of the face (Rocky pointed to the lawyer guy's right cheek)...........and there's not a damn thing you will be able to do about it."
Well folks......... you can guess the rest. And of course, the pretty secretary with the short skirt, and the line running up the back of her stockings, was heard to exclaim:
"Oh Rocky! You're my Hero!"
And the Hero always gets the girl in the end, a sentiment with which all the gainfully employed personnel in the office concurred, for they cheered long and loudly as she jumped into Rocky's arms, and gave Rocky a great big kiss, which, unbeknown to Rocky, made his lips very red for the rest of the day.
Rocky remained flushed, beet red in fact, but this time it was because he felt a little embarrassed by all the attention.
Also, no one noticed (except for us ;) when the wizened old, Custodian and Maintenance Man for the office, named Burgess, walked slowly over to the desk of Rocky, picked up a piece of paper, crumpled it up into a little ball, and threw it in the wastebasket.
The villan in this story-- the cheap lawyer in other words-- did not witness any of that, because he was down for the count, and out cold.
The End
I always found the Billy Jack movies, and especially this scene, hysterical, maybe because of the Hat, combined with the premise of his character being half American Indian, when in reality the actor, Tom Laughlin, is as completely Irish a boy as the Green Fields of Erin ever produced.
EXIT MUSIC
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Maybe I'll arrange it all that way in a few days. But it will mean weaving the real story in with the fanciful supposition, or paranoid guessing elements that this post contains, and also the goofing around about the fate of a JD Resume sent in response to a Non-Legal job posting.
