Well, maybe not birthday blues....I don't feel all the way blue. Maybe I have the birthday periwinkles. Or the birthday turquoises. Either way...I turn 35 tomorrow, which--in and of itself--seems a little daunting.
I'm not sure why...
Maybe it is because I am officially on the back of the hill that is my thirties, sloping towards 40. That sounds terrifying. Maybe it is because I am buried underneath all that I need to do right now, with no sign of light at the end of the tunnel...yet. Maybe it is because I am gaining
a lot of weight because I am constantly in this computer chair editing editing editing editing....
Regardless...I'm sort of melancholy.
I have the preface the rest of my whine rampage with this: Last year, on my birthday, I wished on my candles for a book deal. Now I have
two. So I am so not someone to feel sorry for. At all. However, all of the work on my plate right now has me feeling a little bit overwhelmed. I know I can do it all, and I know I am completely capable of it all. And frankly, I'm PSYCHED to be living my dream. Really, really psyched about it!
But...how do other author/mom's balance everything? How in the hell does Kristan Higgins balance small kids and a flourishing writing career? How does she manage to NOT be as big as a house? I can't seem to find the time to do anything but take care of my kids and work. Literally, that's all I do. I miss being outside, and I miss having a desire to workout, if even just a little bit, and I miss being with my husband and friends.
I wouldn't trade my new career for anything, but I wish wish wish that I could find a balance. Maybe that is what I will wish for when I blow out my candles tomorrow.
Balance. Wouldn't that be something? I don't know how my writing partner does it. She is a yoga teacher, a life coach, AND an amazing writer? And the women who run my publishing company? They're almost all writers, and/or have other jobs! How do they all manage to balance it? It's perplexing me...
With my birthday on the horizon, I've become slightly intropsective, as well. This year I decided to eliminate all toxic friends from my life, and so far it's been a good decision. If someone makes me feel like crap, I shouldn't have them in my life. Seems simple, huh? Well, I've really had to evaluate whether or not I am being a toxic friend to other people. Sometimes introspection isn't fun, because you're forced to see the areas of your life where you can behave better and be a better person in general. I want to be an Author who conducts herself with the utmost integrity. That should come natural...but alas, I am human, and need to work on it. As I establish myself in the writing community, I want to be sure to come to be known as a good person, who is honest and who doesn't act self righteous or entitled. *Shudder*
So maybe this birthday isn't necessarily what is getting me down...maybe it's the fact that while I am on the horizon of success, it is making me look at everything else around me, and realize that I need to maintain a better balance. Of my marriage, friendships, working relationships, my weight, my children, my children's schedules....all of it. I need to find a way to juggle all of these components to my life without constantly dropping balls. I'm sure I will get the hang of it, it might take time, but I will...
I think I'm just sort of stressed out. Maybe the 1 hr massage my nerd and kids got for me tomorrow will help ease all of my tension....here's hoping!
*Sigh* Wish me luck on my periwinkle birthday!
Brooke Moss.
