I am in the mood for some good food porn. Are you?
You should be. Food porn is the ultimate way to talk about foods you love, crave, want, NEED, all without indulging in them and watching your azz grow. I personally cannot indulge in these foods for three reasons:
*** My grocery buget is already spent on things like diapers and fruit snacks and stupid stuff like string cheese and cheeze its for my kids. God bless em, they have no idea what they are missing in the world of food. I can't believe I gave birth to these food disrespecters!!
*** I am fat. And if I indulge, I am not one of those "just one bite and then I'll stop" b*tches. I am one of those "I aint stopping until I hit table, and even then I might keep going" b*tches. Big difference. I guess that's why I'm fat. It's all those dining room tables I've eaten. Go figure.
*** Because I am not a good cook. I try, and yet.....I fail. I cook well enough to keep my husband and children fed and alive, but other than that...I suck. And most of my food porn is stuff that actually needs to be prepared. *SIGH*
I originally learned about food porn while using Weight Watchers online. Women (fatties like myself) would write in with their food cravings, however rich and sinful, and we would all oogle over their choices and add our own. It was good times to be had by all. And let me tell you.......36 fat women sitting around talking about food is usually enough to make me curl my own fat toes. These women (who are all probably skinny now because they stuck to the program....whores) had some seriously good taste.
Ok, so today I have decided to indulge in food porn because I am hungry. And not in a "Me gots to eat" kind of cave man way, but in a.....I need some food with class and substance to it, kind of way. Do you know what I mean? Oh, sure you know what I mean. Skinny b*tches dont read my blog, and if they do, they know better than to open their mouths. The fat girl (me) will eat them if they dont!!! ;)
Muuuahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Anyhoo, back to the task at hand. Food porn. Here we go.
Today, Brooke Moss the writer of comedic contemporary romance novels, is craving....
1.) Prime rib, cooked medium. You know the kind....with the salt crust around the outside and it comes with the little cuppa au jus on the side and a dash of whipped horseradish, too? Ohhhhh, mama. That's what I like.
2.) Stuffed grape leaves drizzled with olive oil and followed with a side of pitted kalamata olives. Mmmmmmm.........I swear to gaia, God is a greek. I just know it.
3.) Gouda cheese on a chicken sandwich a'la Tomato Street Grill. Yes, I said Gouda. I know, I know...you're peeing your pants now. I'm sorry. You're safe little friend, we all understand.
4.) Eggs benedict with fresh holandaise sauce and thick cut canadian bacon, and fresh off the vine tomato....oh crap, now I've peed my own pants. Great.
5.) Thick, chunky clam chowder that you can only get in places like Astoria or Cannon Beach oregon. *Shudder* Oh that brings back memories......wait! Put it into a sourdough bowl. Oh, yes. That's what mama likes....
6.) A french dip sandwich with thinly sliced roast beef and baby swiss cheese on it. Then, of course, dipped in au jus. I am sensing an au jus trend here. Maybe I have an au jus fetish? I see an au just swimming pool in my near future.
7.) King crab legs....with nothing but a vat of butter. (Wonder why I have weight issues?)
8.) A block of Tillamook pepper jack cheese (only the best for me, and I am a tillamook girl through and through.) with a box of plan tricuits. This snack alone got me through my divorce, let me tell you....
9.) Mmmmmmmmm........picture this: a plate with sliced fresh mozzerella cheese, bright green leaves of fresh basil, and vine ripened tomatoes from my own garden. Squeeeeeee! Happy dance, happy dance! Wiggle wiggle wiggle!!!
10.) Flourless chocolate cake. I used to order this from a dessert shop on Capitol Hill in Seattle, that is there no more. Then I discovered that my husbands cousin, who is a busy college student now, makes it even better than the dessert shop. Oh my gosh, Kelsey......I need cake. No really, I don't care that you have a test to study for.......make me the cake. Please? MAKE. ME. THE. CAKE. And no one gets hurt....
Ok, thats enough food porn for one day. I need to breathe. And lose weight.....*whimper*
Brooke Moss.
