JDPainter
1 Maple St
Anytown, USA 12345
Human Resources Recruitment Officer #1
XYZ Non-Legal Corporation
100 Corporate Headquarters Drive
Bigshot Town, USA 54321
January 1, 2011
RE: JOB APPLICATION OF A COMPLETE LOSER (The Meltdown)
Dear Human Resources Sir or Madam:
I don’t know why in the world you could possibly want to hire a chump like me. I don't have any direction or know who I am anymore or what I am supposed to be. If anything, I'm like a grosssly indebted and aging lost squirrel trying to grab a few nuts to nibble on for bare subsistence. Can't you realize that?
I've lost all confidence in myself a long time ago, and my life is going nowhere, and has been for a long time. In fact, if you met me, you would spot that right away. I can't even make eye contact with people much anymore, and you definitely won't like that. And even if you want to give me a chance, I will go out of my way at this point to prove to you that I would be complely worthless as an employee, and a complete waste of life in general.
That is because I’m like that Genie in the bottle or lamp, from the old Arabian Knights tale. Remember him?
The Genie sat in that bottle waiting and waiting, proimising to be sweet and nice, and grant three wishes to the first person who came along to pull the cork and let him out.
Well, that old Genie waited allright. A Long, Long Fucking time, and no one found him and no one let him out of his prison. So the Genie, over the centuries, sat in his miserable, stifiling little bottle and got really pissed, and vowed that instead of granting a reward to his rescuer, he would instead severely punish him or her.
Well, you miserable Human Resources Lackey, let’s just say that I’m like that Genie. Really freakin’ mad, and if you are stupid enough to eventually hire me I’m going to grant three wishes to myself only, and to do three things in this order:
1. Piss in your coffee-pot.
2. Take a dump on the corporate Logo.
3. Streak through the Boardroom and office naked during your next important Board of Directors and/or Shareholders meeting.
Because you see, my Student Loan Debt has made me crack Psychologically under the pressure. And, after many years of trying to find a job, both legal and non-legal, and feeling like some kind of a Pariah, or Leper and outcast because of my JD, all of the stress and suffering, and a destroyed Marriage and life, cannot now be wiped away, dismissed, forgotten about and made up. Not even by a would be do-gooder like you. Those years of anguish and frustration while sending out hundreds and hundreds of resumes, and trying every avenue and contact possible--are lost and gone forever. Easy for you to sit back in your nice office, with your nice career and vacation days and pension. Well Excuse me if I intruded on your "busy" day with my resume. God forbid I should inconvenience the likes of YOU!
I look forward to discussing my lack of qualifications and my shipwrecked life further in an interview, as I now sit in a dark cloud of depression, and despair, eagerly anticipating and awaiting your call because it is the ONLY thing that is going on in my depressed and boring life.
But........But........If it is more convenient, and if you prefer, I can drop the JD from my resume entirely. It's all very clear to me now. Very, very clear. Because don't you see? I'm desperate. I realize the impropriety of having gone to Law School now, and what a terrible offense a JD can cause in a respectable job market at large. I don't have to put it on there, and I will promise not to mention anything about having a JD, and lie about what I was doing for three years. Please for the Love of a Merciful God I'm begging you!
No wait! Don't stop reading..... I'm a "Professional." I have a Professional Degree that proves I'm a professional. Surely you can appreciate that can't you?
But....Oh....I know what you're thinking....You think you're better than me. Much, much better, and what's that? I'm not making any sense you say, and you think I'm mad? Stark raving MAD and OUT OF MY MIND!
Well, isn't that just like a Human Resources Officer.....but don't worry. I'm calmer now. Me and my worthless JD will just crawl back under the rock we came out from under, and lie there, and just die there--like all of the dreams that are brought to the Mona Lisa's doorstep. (From the song--of the same name? :)
But thank you, in advance, for your consideration, and my resume is enclosed for your review.
Sincerely,
JDPainterguy
*Note: In case anyone has noticed, with a few of my posts I do a rough draft right online, and then go back and edit and edit until I feel it is done. It saves time. But to date I think every post is now "In the Can"
And if too much stuff from Twilight Zone episodes are coming through in this Post it is because I watched a lot of the New Years Twilight Zone Marathon and it's buzzing through my head.
