JD PainterGuy
1 Maple Street.
Anytown USA 12345
(123) 456-7890 jdpainterguy@e-mail.com
OBJECTIVES:
- My main objective is to write a 10 volume Thesis on the topic of Electrocution, and how it might be a viable way for student loan debtors to be ultimately executed when the US Government decides to bring back the age-old tradition of the Debtors Prison.
- I’m also working on a perpetual motion engine and I almost have it.
- To look back listlessly upon a wasted life with anguish and much regret.
- To ignore the advice of the the late Archbishop Fulton Sheen and drag all of my past failures into the ever present and live those failures over and over just as if they are taking place right now, and let them control and immoboilize me.
- To conduct the rest of my life in despair, and with the lethargy of kelp waving in a lazy stream.
- To view life with sunken, dark and beady eyes that resemble two raisins pounded into dough by the fists of an angry child.
- To gladhand the Devil himself, because he's surely sitting on my shoulder by now, and within easy reach.
- To be a shrinking, slinking, sneaking coward, and act like a scared little boy child, and not like a man.
- To latch onto the nearest available cult leader who will give me some direction and Kool-aid, or a chance to ride on a Comet or Swing on a Star.
- Most especially, to regret and dwell forever on the day I ever filled out an application for a Luh Schuul that is ranked in the 4th tier by US News and World Report.
QUALIFICATIONS:
- Three hundred Thousand Dollars of Student Loan Debt, mostly from Law School, and as long as I shall live and with no escape other than to die.
- A credit score that is as bad as they can possibly come. It handicaps any job search because it shows 300K of debt and I can't even get a loan from Wells Fargo (and that's bad!)
- On the menu for the progeny of today's well stuffed and fed earthworms currently also residing at my future address: Hart Island, NY.
- The nice young man next door that drinks, and the subject of mumblings and whisperings by certain neighbors who are fond of ducking behind curtains. Gossip is, after all, exquisite cuisine for the jaded and weary auditory palate, or, in other words, a delightful and delicious meal for hungry ears.
- No other real skills to speak of, and totally unprepared to survive in this world.
- Totally depressed and must confess that I once thought about offing myself, but trying to maintain a positive attitude because Tony Robbins says so. If you hire me, I can't guarantee that I won't be the most miserable and negative guy in your office, and that I might not ruin your day, every day, with my bad attitude.
- I have my doubts, because I think I have a really dumb (english translation) Goy “Christian Head” for business, but let’s just say for fun that I have Strong, Really Strong and I mean Really, Really Strong analytical and problem solving skills, or at least that is what they told me a law degree was supposed to do for me. Do I?
- Highly competent at being a loser.
- Experienced and total Failure in Life.
- Something that washed up with the tide.
1996 to Present:
- Now, first of all, a fortune cookie told me that I am not a loser, and I am not a DUMMY!
- But, that aside, I’m Mostly a House Painter and Divorced Loser that lives in his Parent's Basement and tries to block out reality with a lot of beer sometimes.
- Oh and I did a stint as an Insurance Salesman for a while ummmm.. a few years back, and a Paralegal kind of thing that I did for a bunch of Crooks once.
- More specifically: Marketing, sales, negotiation and closing of contracts between thieves, knaves and rogues.
- Supervised and trained unsuspecting telemarketers in a boiler room who were shocked out of their minds when they were given the tap on the shoulder and escorted out of the office permanantly on the spot if they didn’t sell at least three times in one week. It was brutal.
- When I don’t have a too much money to spend I buy really cheap beer or Malt liquor with a “Kick” because what's the difference? Booze is booze right?
- Bachelor of Arts in English. It was fun, but didn’t prepare me for much it turns out.
- Luh Duhgree (Juhrist Ductur), 1996, Tuhroh Colledge, School of Law, NY (I ripped the diploma up when my debt passed the 200 thousand dollar mark)
OTHER PROFESSIONAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
HOBBIES/PERSONAL INTERESTS:
- Picking the Banjo.
- Quitting Beer for New Years. I'm doing Great so far!
*I have a POWER COVER LETTER to go with this resume
Here:
http://esquirepainting.blogspot.com/2011/01/power-cover-letter-draft-to-go-with.html
As well as a very favorable response, and a job offer
Here:
http://esquirepainting.blogspot.com/2011/01/favorable-response-to-my-resume-and.html
