My nerd and I were talking last night...
This may seem like an odd topic for conversation, but we were discussing what we would do if we discovered that one of our kids had been mixed up at the hospital. I think we got on this topic because our one and only daughter asked if that has ever happened. (I think she is still holding out hope for a sister....sorry kid.)
Anyway...my hubby and I were talking about it after the kids were in bed, and I was half stoned on Nyquil (sore throat) and watching "Mask" (Eric Stoltz, Cher, and Sam Elliott....love that movie. Love Sam Elliott.) I asked my husband what he would do if we found out that our youngest had been mixed up at the hospital, and wasn't ours.
Now is a good time to point out that our youngest, who is 2 yrs and 8 months old, has PDD (which is on the autism spectrum) and SPD (too hard to explain....google it.) So this was really a loaded question. And my nerd and I were both taken aback by it. I mean, sure, we might get a perfectly "normal" kid out of it, but then we wouldn't have our youngest, who pretty much has my heart wrapped around his dirty little two year old finger.
Now is a good time to point out that my hubby and I have very mixed emotions when it comes to our youngest. There are days when I think he'll wind up working for Microsoft, and there are other days when I wonder if he'll live with us forever. There are days when he acts completely okay (albeit developmentally behind) and there are others when he acts so, incredibly
autistic that we don't know what to do with him. His ST is sure that his ASD diagnosis will be retracted in a few years, if he keeps making the progress he's making now, but that he may struggle with his SPD his whole life. But she always says that with the warning that things may stay as they are, or get increasingly worse. It's a freakin' crap-shoot.
Bottom line is: We have no idea what the future will bring. All we know right now is, life is a day to day struggle that very few others can understand, but many seem to have opinions on. Sounds fun, eh?
After talking about it for a few minutes, my nerd and I both shared our opinion on the "switched baby" scenario. If we found out that our youngest biologically belonged to someone else, would we give him up and take a "normal" kid in his stead?
And we both answered "NO".
Odd. Only because there are days when I am so lost and frustrated that I feel like I am ready to sob. And the effect that all of these changes, etc, have had on our other children, our family as a whole, and our relationships with other people...have been huge. I've lost some friendships. I've
gained some friendships. I've set some very firm limits with people and relatives that probably don't understand my need for space and lines in the sand. I've pulled away from my constant presence in people's lives, and focused mainly on my family and my writing. Because thos are my two constants in my life. The two things that matter the most to me. You would think that I would be willing to let it all go, for a chance at a "normal" life with a "normal" child.
But, I can't!
I literally cannot imagine my life without my youngest. He is my hero. My buddy, my baby, my love, my heart. It doesn't matter how exhausted I am at the end of the day, or how much I wish I could get him to eat, or lay still, or speak...It only matters that when I look at him, my heart swells to the point that I feel like my ribs might crack.
I feel that way about all of my kids. They're amazing.
So our consensus was: If there had been a mix up at the hospital, and our youngest wasn't ours, we wouldn't ever want to give him back. He's ours. Inside and out. He was sent to our family to teach us something. What it is, I'm not sure of...but this is
our journey, not his. We have stuff to learn from this, not him.
He's my heart.
Brooke Moss.
