Here:
http://esquirepainting.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-winning-power-resume.html
And Here:
http://esquirepainting.blogspot.com/2011/01/power-cover-letter-draft-to-go-with.html
And so, of course, it didn't surprise me today when I received my mail, and found a favorable reply from XYZ Non-Legal Corporation. And here's what they said:
------------------------------
Ms. Patty Pitty-Party III
Chief #1 Recruiter, Human Resources Dept.
XYZ Non-Legal Corporation
100 Corporate Headquarters Drive
Bigshot Town, USA 54321
1-888-123-PITY Ext. 007
Mr. JDPainterguy
1 Maple St.
Anytown, USA 12345
esquirepainting.blogspot.com
January 4, 2011
RE: YOUR WINNING POWER RESUME MELTDOWN
Dear JDPainterguy:
We are in reciept of your letter and resume and are very favorably impressed.
Never in human history has there been a more blatant example of preaching to an already converted, but still much appreciative choir.
We here at XYZ Non-Legal Corporation understand your current predicament, and realize that it is perfectly natural for you to feel somewhat peevish or even a little frustrated about your current employment situation or lack thereof.
I have seven uncles, five aunts, three brothers and four sisters that are all unemployed lawyers. Half have commited suicide, and the rest have fled the country to escape their student debt. Three of them now reside on the Barbary Coast, and live among Cannibals, Pirates, Headhunters and thieves. My brothers Peter and Paul, in fact, have a very successful online business selling shrunken heads.
I also have sixty-seven cousins, fourteen second cousins and thirty-one nieces and nephews that all hold a Juris Doctorate, and all are now suffering from various mental disorders, have wicked nervous facial ticks or "twitches", and are working as short order fry cooks, or shining shoes in strip malls scattered all across the USA.
In fact, the 2010 Census reflects a 700 to 1 ratio of lawers for every single citizen in our great City.
I myself decided reluctantly to enroll in a study abroad program at my local-yokel Law School. Once there I sojourned for a number of days in a nearby Tropical Rainforest, where a witch doctor hacked out one of my kidneys, which I sold to his tribe for 500K in real Gold. I then returned to the US and purchased my freedom from Student Loan Debt, and had enough money left over to get drunk for an entire year-and-a half.
Although we realize you are not in fact a magical Genie, we would like to ask that you grant us one wish: to Honor us with your acceptance of our humble offer of employment for the position of "Handsome Business Guy" with a nice suit on. Our Corporate Offices are ever growing and we feel that your presence would make a wonderful compliment to our rapid expansion. You can wear a tie and grin, and won't have to do much, or get your hands dirty.
We can certainly make the coffee-pot as well as the water cooler jugs available for urination, and will place the corporate logo wherever you like for your disposal.
Streaking naked is accepted and in fact, encouraged within our Corporate enviornment and culture, since this company is in fact a Publicly traded, 100 billion dollar a year Pornography production and distribution Empire with a board of directors and corporate staff that never went past High School.
Thank you again for thinking of XYZ Corporation, and we look forward to your working here soon.
Sincerely,
Patty ("Pat") Pitty-Party III
c. Rocco the Porn Executive Godfather
P.S. We have taken the liberty of paying your student loans off, as we do not like to have our employees burdened with debt.
