Tonight is a strange night.
I can't sleep, which is typical, but I am so torn between two emotions, I feel like I am going crazy.
Well, crazy is all relative.
But anyway, here is what I am torn between: Today I went to Kmart to make a payment on my Christmas presents for the kids (on layaway). While I was there, I made my payment, saw my balance due, avoided p*ssing myself, then took Charlie to buy a toy with the gift card his Nana and Papa gave him. We walked through the toy aisle for a long while (Charlie was having a hard time deciding) and when he finally decided on a ziu ziu pet I had a moment where I was excited that there would be another 9 bucks or so left on his gift card that I could use to help make my next payment.
***Okay, before I get any angry phone calls or pissy emails, please note that I would never, ever use my son's gift card to pay for our layaway. But I did, FOR A SECOND, think about how nice it would be to not have to crank out another 9$ in two weeks. Sit down and relax. I'm not stealing from my 4 year old.
So I left Kmart feeling exceptionally worried about money. Now, my hubby and I are not usually this tight. We aren't rolling in it, by any stretch of the imagination, but we
make it. And recently, we are really,
really tight. It's a mixture of a few things. New furnace, higher mortgage because of our remodel this past year, kiddo #3 is in preschool this year, and heaven knows that's not cheap. And then kiddo #4 was diagnosed with ASD and SPD, and we're doing Occupational and Speech therapy every week.
This diagnosis came after extensive tests and long appointments with very highly educated specialists. And, as incredibly amazing as those specialists were, they were also very
expensive. And unfortunately, we are considered to have an income that is too high to recieve much assistance. Some of the lab tests they did on #4 to rule out Fragile X syndrome were well over $1200! So we are looking at cranking out almost $200 a month in therapy copayments from now on. This bill took us by surprise, but we aren't about to skip the appointments, because...well, he's our
son. What would you do?
So we've been spread a little bit thin lately.
Then....out of nowhere....a blessing the size of Texas.
Someone (we don't know who) went to Kmart tonight and paid off our layaway bill. IN FULL. No, I am not kidding. Not even a little bit. I sort of lost it. When the girl from Kmart called to tell me to come pick up our stuff, I yelled, "Bull Sh*t!" at her. Twice. I didn't mean to. I feel stupid that I did that. I thought it was a joke. She wouldn't tell me who'd done it. She wouldn't even describe the person. I am both irritated and enamored. This huge act of generosity will enable us to pay for some of #4's therapies, a compression vest, and part of the giant hospital bills from his testing. But most of all...it will allow my husband and I to
breathe a little bit. Gah......I forget how good it feels to be able to BREATHE easy.
Thank you. Whoever you are. Thank you so much....
And then, as I am lying in bed with my nerd, listening to him snore, the bitter returned. My Aunt mentioned in the post below is still in Seattle, waiting for her kidney/liver transplant. Her kidney's and liver have now completely failed and she is hanging in there simply by the grace of God. All I can think about is how much I love her and what an enormous and pivotal piece of this family she is. I don't understand why the phone isn't ringing. Why her turn isn't coming! When people die every five minutes in this country, the friggin' phone call isn't coming in! Why is that?? How is it possible that she could be taken from us? How come more people aren't organ donors?? If you are dead, you don't need them anymore. COME ON, PEOPLE. Donate the gift of life.
Bitter.
It's almost too much to wrap my head around. My entire family is on pins and needles. I can't sleep at night without pharmacutical assistance. And when I do fall asleep #4 wakes up screaming. *Sigh*
Bitter.
There are so many times when I've heard my church leaders say that we have to take the bitter with the sweet. That without the bitter, we won't know how sweet the sweet tastes. I agree. Today is a perfect example of it. #4 screamed all the way through dinner. All. The. Way. He literally refused to eat. I was at my wits end. I wanted to cry. Why is this happening? Why have I been entrusted with a child who has special needs? I'm not capable of this. I can't hack it.
Bitter. BITTER.
And then I find out that some sort of Christmas angel has stepped in and paid off our layaway.
Sweet.
I wish I could have a taste of the sweet again. Tonight. Now. Not for my sake, but for my Aunts!
Please, God, let the phone ring. And please bless our Christmas angel tonight, for doing something that probably didn't mean much to them...but meant the WORLD to us.
Brooke Moss.
