Another aspect of my ECRW conference experience was actually
getting there.
I have to preface this story with the fact that while I am not a bad driver, I am a scared driver for sure. I have a ten mile radius here in the Spokane Valley area that I drive comfortably, and when I am asked to leave that "bubble", it takes great planning and thought. And prayer. And sometimes a good cry. And possibly a puke session in the bathroom beforehand. Okay, okay, I've exaggerated. A cry. I'll stop with the cry.
The reason I don't like to leave my bubble is: I have an odd fear of being lost. Call me crazy (
CRAZY!), but I am petrified of being lost. Not because I am scared of never seeing my family again. I'm not stupid. Those maniacs could find me anywhere. I swear they have me tagged like a cow. Even when I am
trying to lose them....there they are. *Sigh*
But, I digress...
I am just afraid that I am going to be sitting in my minivan blubbering like a moron with helicopters circling overhead, and cop cars everywhere, all because I went missing while trying to try out a new grocery store. It would be entirely too embarrassing. It's the mortification involved in being
found that freaks me out! I always feel slightly sorry for the hikers that get rescued in the mountains after days and days of being missing. Especially when they walk out of the woods without a scratch. At least give them a wild animal bite or something, to make them seem less stupid than one of those idiots who just strayed off of the path.
"Why did you stray off of the path?""Because I thought I was smarter than the hordes of rangers and explorers who put this damn path in a hundred years ago for A REASON."
That's embarrassing. However, add a small nip out of that person's leg from a bear, and you've got yourself a survival story that will have Barbara Walters knocking on your door.
Again, I digress...
So anyway, I live in fear of getting lost, and going to Bellevue from Spokane is pretty daunting. I mean, once you're over those mountains and into the greater Seattle area, the roads become like a tangled mess of Christmas lights. (I'm speaking from experience in both Seattle driving, and messy Christmas lights.) And I get an instant stomach ache. I get panicked and sweaty and feel like I need to pull over to hurl, but there is nowhere to pull over because Heaven forbid those Seattle drivers let you make a lane change without wanting to kill you! And so help me, I've been flipped off so many times in Seattle traffic, you would think it wouldn't shock me anymore, but it does every time.
Anyway, so I got over the mountains and my GPS kicked into high gear. It was calling out commands in it's nice, pleasant female voice (Tom Tom is having a sexual identity crisis.) and I was doing as she said, and making my way towards Bellevue like a champ, and then...
Tom Tom became passive aggressive.
It could have been because my mother, while very hungry and frustrated, told Tom Tom to "F**k off" in Ellensburg, or it could have been because up until I'd gone over the Cascade mountains, I wasn't really listening to her. I think she felt ignored, and sort of insulted. So...she decided to screw with us. She kept saying (and this is a direct Tom Tom quote...) "
Go right, but stay left." Over and over and over she said that. "
Go right, but stay left" I kept asking her for some further explanation, or if she was messing with me, but her answer was always the same,
"Go right, but stay left."
Can someone please explain this crap to me?
There I was, in busy Seattle traffic....(Which, BTW, can someone please explain to me why the freeways in Seattle are ALWAYS packed??) weaving from the far right to the far left, then back to the far right, and then back over to the far left....I did this probably about 4 times and people were honking at me like crazy, flipping me the bird, waving their fists out the window, etc etc etc...
By the time I actually got to the exit I wanted, I realized that it was 2 exits in one, and that I needed to go right, but stay in the left lane, so as to not head the wrong direction with my two-fer exit. Which, if Tom Tom had actually SAID "Go right on exit 54, then stay in the left hand lane otherwise you'll wind up in Canada, you idiot." I would have completely understood. Clear as day.
But, she didn't. Tom Tom made it "Simple", and I got confused and pissed off several drivers. Good thing I was in a very democratic city, and nobody believes in guns, right? Right? *tap, tap* Is this thing on?
Whatever. Just don't piss your Tom Tom off. That's my wise advice for the day. Don't piss Tom Tom off, and she won't make you look like you're hammered on the freeway. I don't know if Tom Tom and I will ever be the same. I am pretty sure that the last time I got into my car, she whispered, "
I am going to drive your fat azz off a cliff." But I haven't got any proof. We'll see what happens. If I miss my post tomorrow, you'll know Tom Tom succeeded.
As a rule of thumb, don't tick off your GPS.
Brooke Moss.
