My youngest screened positive for Autism Spectrum Disorder. In a day, our whole perspective on parenting shifted, and now I feel like my life just bears a vague resemblance to what it was a month or so ago. I knew my son was different. He didn't talk like the other kids (we have 4), he wasn't too keen on other kids (besides his closest brother), and he threw screaming, terrorizing loud screeching fits that had no rhyme or reason. I just thought he was a particularly difficult 2 year old. But eventually, for his sake, my nerd and I had to look at the red flags we were noticing, and now here we are. Looking at appointments, appointments, appointments, and assessments, and more appointments, and maybe a few more assessments. It's weird, because I hate how things have changed, but I wouldn't change it back. If I were to change it back, I could potentially make things worse for my son, and I sure as sh*t don't want to do that!
So here I am.
I admitted something terrible to my hubby the other night. I almost want to skip the conference because of two reasons: 1.) What if my son has a bad weekend while I am gone? And 2.) What if he has a good weekend while I'm gone?
How awful does that make me?? Pretty awful, I would think. What if I go to Seattle for the weekend and he is happy and chipper and cheerful the whole time I am gone? Then I come home and we get back into the weekly grind/chaos, and he goes back to total freak out mode? Then I will have missed it. And every time I miss one of those little glimmers of hope, I second guess myself. Did we jump the gun on having him diagnosed? If we'd waited, would he outgrow these quirks? The problem is...I don't know. And the thought of him getting worse terrifies the CRAP out of me. So I feel completely compelled to move forward, move forward, move forward....don't look back, don't look back, don't look back...
It's very tiring.
I am not accustomed to second guessing myself. I usually make a decision and then run with it. Period. But with this one, I have to continually remind myself...the symptoms, however little they may be, are there. And were noticed and recorded by a professional. This is not in my head. This is not good for him. I am literally becoming like Dory on Finding Nemo. (So annoying) Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
Tonight I commit to writing my pitch. I will write it, and then perfect it tomorrow and monday. I will do it. I don't want to go to the conference, but my nerd is telling me I need to, so I should be prepared.
Brooke Moss.
