I am in need of a Stuart Smalley moment.
I am feeling discouraged today. Now, I never seem to get discouraged enough to stop writing. First off, I've got my legion of "fans" that like reading my books, second, I just like it. I like creating a new life. An existence that wouldn't be if it weren't for me and my overdramatic tendencies. Writing is a way for melodramatic people to act out without affecting other people. That having been said, I will keep writing. Even if the urge to get published wanes, and I decide to quit (that aspect), I will keep plugging away at my books. I like it too much, and I've got enough friends who enjoy reading my work to keep going.
But the desire to keep trying to be published....that waxes and wanes for sure. And it's not like I don't understand why it is so difficult. I would hate being an agent. They have to look at someones life's work with dollar signs in their eyes. If it won't make money, it won't be worth their time and effort. What a frustrating career. Better them than me. I hate bursting people's bubbles. (Well, I enjoy bursting some bubbles...but not many.) The job of an agent is difficult. It means reading a page or two of someones work, if that, and deciding whether or not it will be a cash cow.
I guess the reason I'm discouraged today is: I have been reading a lot of crap lately. Well, not all of it has been crap. That's for sure. But...some of it certainly has been. Some of the books I've read lately were conceptually an incredible idea, but the writing was so-so. Others have been beautifully well written, but the stories themselves have been so-so. And my question about those books is this: How in the he** do these writers get agents and book deals??? Like....
really?
How is it that I have 25 women who like to read my books and say things to me like "
I can't believe you're not published yet!" and "
this is phenomenal writing!" and "
This could be on a shelf in a bookstore, Sarah!" and yet...can I capture an agents attention? Not so far. Can I get an agent to read the manuscript of book one of the Ominous Secret series in full? Nope. I know that if I can just get in the door, it will be a done deal. I've got people who love the book, and are waiting for book 2!! (And besides, I don't just give my book to women who tell me the positive...I give it to the kinds of women who read my genre all the time, and who live to cut me down.) How is it that I can wake up to 5 FB messages and 3 emails from friends ("fans") who want me to hurry my butt up and finish book 2, so that they can find out what happens to Dillon and Gabe, but I can't capture the attention of an agent?
Grrrrrrrrrrr.....it is very discouraging. Again, it's not like I'm going to give up and stop writing altogether. That would mean I was ready to curl into a ball and die, and that just isn't happening any time soon. But...I've devoted the better part of the last two years to this. When I'm not caring for my darling, beautiful, and wildly demanding children...I am writing, working on queries, sending samples to agents, getting my pitch ready for the conference, writing some more, editing, editing some more, and then writing more. My friends think I am a freak. They don't understand how I can be so busy all the time, or why I never want to do anything with them anymore. They don't understand that just because I am not getting paid, doesn't take away from the fact that I am struggling with a burgeoning career here! An incredibly demanding, time consuming, and emotionally trying career.
A career I wouldn't trade for the world.
Isn't that funny? I am complaining, and yet, I wouldn't have it any other way? I love writing. I love warranting an emotional reaction in my readers. I love pretending to be a character for a few hours a day. I love sending chapters off to agents and waiting for their reaction. I love it all, and I'll probably keep going long after the novelty of rejection letters wears off. I just wish I didn't have to buy crap at the bookstore, or check out crap at the library, knowing that THEY got published, but I am still struggling. That is defeating and discouraging and just plain sh*tty. It makes me want to turn into my eight year old and say, "It's not fair! Why not meeeeee?" But that won't get me anywhere. (Believe me, I've tried.)
So this is where the Stuart Smalley thing comes into play. I need to remind myself that I have a skill. Sure, that skill isn't exactly paying the bills right now, but it is a skill none the less. And I feel good when I write. That has to count for something. I haven't had this much fun in a decade. This excitement and drama....woooooo! It's fabulous. I need to remind myself that even if an agent never calls, and the book never gets officially published, I still have my legion of "fans" that like my stories. That, my friends, is priceless. How many people can say that?
So...I'm good enough, I'm smart enough...and doggone it, people like me. Or, rather, like my books. (Which, at this point) is more important. :)
Brooke Moss.
