FALL SPORTS TV PREVIEW

By Tony Mangia

SPORTS SHOWS INUNDATE NEW SEASON

The success of Hard Knocks on HBO has created an avalanche of sports related shows being dumped on the unsuspecting viewing public. The popular New York Jets "reality" show itself is spawning a number of spin-offs for the Fall television season. Who isn't excited about the new sit-com *$#! My Coach Says starring that stomach-stapling team leader Rex Ryan. His salty language and locker room humor will only get viler once the FCC lifts that damn (can we say that?) censorship policy on broadcast television. In the first episode, Tony Dungy is Ryan's weekend house guest. You won't believe what he does with his bible.

Another Jet, Antonio Cromartie gets to star in Parenthood as the lovable dad of 8 children by 7 different woman. The laugh-riot begins when he scratches his head after he is asked to recite the names of his children. It really gets funny when he realizes he doesn't know he has two three year-olds by different mothers. "I have twins?" the 26 year-old confusedly asks.

New shows include The Good Wife starring Elin Nordegren as the divorced wife of a pro-golfer who tries to avoid trashing her ex and getting by on the $100 million settlement. Things get really complicated when she starts dating motorcycle builder Jessie James. Norway's Sweetheart meets the Vanilla Gorilla. A special episode.

Tiger Woods meanwhile, fresh from his series Sex and Every City, gets to go hog-wild in the HBO sleaze fest Real Sex. Dozens of bimbos on the side is nothing compared to this "newly-free and still left with $500 million" sexting maniac. Texting "You're hot...Now sneak in the side door." to one of your mistresses is funny enough but imagine how raunchy it can get when there's no little lady waiting at home!

LeBron James gets to star in The Cleveland Show--if only in burning effigies. The real stars are the fans who beat up their own because someone still wears a # 23 Cavalier's jersey in public. LeBron really gets to shine in It's Always Sunny in Miami as 'Raj' and co-stars Chris 'Rerun' Bosh and 'Dewayne' Wade try to outwit their little brother Dee and win every game. The only loss is in Cleveland when 19,000 snipers take potshots at a seemingly nervous LeBron during a 'Weapons For Cash Night' promotion. Hey, Hey, Hey.

Law & Order: New Jersey premiers with ex-Jerseyites and criminal hearing no-shows Lawrence Taylor and Chris Simms pleading their cases. The former-Giant great Taylor hopes his celebrity influence will keep him out of jail for having sex with a 16 year-old. "It's L.T, it's L.T." cops exclaimed before arresting him. Extra cops, who wanted to catch a glimpse of Taylor, came rushing to the scene like tweens to Justin Bieber. Tension builds as L.T. waits to see if any fans cram the courthouse to see the fallen Giant. Look for a guest appearance by Jayson Williams.

In the first Simms episode he doesn't show up to court because he is stoned, then TELLS the judge! In another episode, Simms' lawyer claims his client couldn't be in a Monday courtroom because he was playing football on Sunday. "Playing" football? The show is funny too. The drama unfolds while viewers wonder how long that excuse is valid. My guess...end of pre-season.

MUST SEE TV

Look for Jersey Sure to liven up the screen as the Nets, with their new Russian owner and side-kick Jay-Z, pursue their lofty goal of a championship by 2015. Things should really heat up on "Potato Vodka and Hennesy Night." Darrelle Revis comes to prime-time as host of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire followed by The Amazing Race headlined by the AL East--Yankees, Rays and Red Sox. Two and Half Men now stars those lovable brothers Peyton and Eli with their mutual backup QB Matt Sorgi. Adrenalin junkies won't want to miss the new host of the prime-time game show Beat the Clock--Rick Pitino.