The end is coming

He is calling within the next half hour. He is calling to dump me. I've written an essay/note sheet, whatever you wanna call it to help me get through this without losing my shit. I'm sad, but knew it was coming. I delayed it as long as I have because I overlooked what was happening just to be able to say I had someone in my life. How pathetic and yet how normal.

Here's the essay:
What I learned:
Listen to my gut
Don’t act like there’s a future until you know there is one
Don’t add a dude to facebook
Don’t spend money to meet a guy

I knew the second weekend.

My desire for a relationship got in the way of a desire for feeling good about me.

Things I won’t do after its over:
Text him
Email him

What I believe:

He is sabotaging a relationship. I don’t believe he ‘gets’ me. I don’t believe he sees what he has.

My desire to respect him as a leader allowed me to overlook my gut feelings. He had changed in his feelings towards me, the second weekend we saw each other. His unwillingness to take opportunities to break-up made me miscalculate his interest. In truth I believe he wanted a fight and with me he wasn’t able to get one. I believed sticking it out would allow me to know him more and he’d see what he had in me. Not the case. It just took down my self-worth. If I have to get a guy to wait to see what he has, then it’s never going to happen. I allowed my loneliness to cloud my better sense. I wanted to have a person in my life in spite of what it was costing me.

It is likely that his flawed/failed relationship has given him faulty ideas of what healthy communication is.

He has used the following terms with me:
Pressure
Expecting/entitled
Cold/Distant/Changed and not for the better
Smothering
He said I robbed him of complimenting me.

Honestly it may sound like denial, but I don't believe any of that. I think he knew earlier than I did it wasn't going to work and his past experience showed that when he used those statements women lose their minds. I didn't. I asked him to explain what he meant by them and asked him how I could give him a different understanding of what it was we were experiencing. I used emotional intelligence. It prolonged the inevitable is all.

Note to self:
I think it’s all bullshit. Have courage and do the right thing. Dump his fricken ass. This is my little pep talk to myself so I don't bawl like a baby - which I'm going to do because I'm like that. I hurt.

I deserve:

Not sure

What I know to be true:
I am kind
I am generous
I am loyal
I am trusting
I am smart

What I miss about him: and is there no longer
How he directed conversation
How he made me feel special
How he saw a future
How he shared his heart