I've been doing some reflecting on my past as of late. Specifically my one and only long term relationship. I was screwed up. I didn't know it until recently and this relationship has been done for awhile. I blamed him of course. He had some blame believe me, but only recently was I able to grasp my need to control him led to terrible results.
He was an alpha male. I met him just turning 20. He was the distant one, the one who intrigued me. I was pursued by a few being a local rock singer and all. My leather pants were tiny waisted, my hair long and my youth intact. I had options and I chose him. When we met it was after a gig and I'd gone to the local pub to unwind after the show. I was on a high from the performance and feeling groovy (no this wasn't in the 60's Willard).
He called me the next day and said "Hey I remembered your number." He said this as if I should be totally thrilled, it was if to say I don't generally remember numbers girls call me. I was dating three men, nothing serious with any of them. I received flowers one day at work without a card. I really wanted them to be from him. I asked him later on if he'd sent them. He said nope. I was disappointed.
He at turns charmed me and pissed me off. I became a local beauty pageant winner and received gifts including certificates for a fancy meal. We went. He ordered frogs legs and steak and desert. The cost was more than the certificate and I offered to pay the difference and he let me. I was so mad.
Spring turned to summer to fall and then by the next spring we'd moved in together. It was then that I decided to change him. I wanted to mold him into the image I'd been taught was proper. Never mind that while dating him he was A-okay but now he had to transform to my image or rather my mother's image of what he should be. Mother stories will follow when I get the courage to face that demon head on. He resisted the change as all alpha men are wont to do and the relationship deteriorated. It died a slow death. I left him eventually. I still thought he'd change. He didn't. He won't.
I'm not in love with him and if I could choose again I wouldn't choose him. He has 'issues' that have nothing to do with my attempt to change him and those alone made him difficult in other ways. I had options but at twenty we're not always bright enough to pick the best one.
I can't go back and undo what's been done. I can only go forward on this journey and hope I learn enough not to drive back to where I've been.
